Make a List and Check it Twice

There is so much for me to do these past few months yet I find myself uninterested in doing what needs to be done. I feel this cloud in my head and it becomes thicker and thicker. I know what needs to be done but the effort isn't there. It's as if I'm on cruise control, auto pilot. So many times I've wanted to get out of this rut as I've called it, but it's easier said than done. I HATE THAT CLICHE! I hate it but it's so true.

I'm almost done with college but I feel myself burning out. Why is it that I get so excited for school to start but then when it arrives, the excitement withers away and I'm left with discouragement. I don't understand why my life is like this, why I allowed myself to come this far.

My finances are back on track and I thought when that happened things would automatically fall back into place. Man was I wrong. I guess it's up to me to change what is to what CAN be.

I've read that starting a list and marking them off helps. I figure that it couldn't hurt. So here is a small list:

1. Finish college by the time I'm 30 years old.
2. Pay off old debt.
3. Find my own place.
4. Make new friends.
5. Learn to speak Spanish fluently.
6. Post an Anthology of my poems.
7. Run a mile.
8. Read a non-school book a month.
9. Spend at least one straight weekend with my whole family.
10. Learn how to make a new dish.

For now, I think this small list is sufficient enough. I'll add to it, mark items off as I finish each, and rearrange items.

One thing I failed to put on this list is become more spiritual. I don't believe that is something one can cross off a list. Perhaps this is the thread that ties my whole life together. I was brought up in a Christian home and I loved how it felt when we all went to church as a family. Seeing my whole family there, my aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandparents. Times have changed and I've allowed myself to become too 'busy' for church, too concerned about partying, too concerned for finding love. All this searching and I've yet to yield any results. Perhaps that in itself is the answer. Time to change my strategy.

In the past I allowed the search for love to consume my soul and my mind. Although finding love is important, it isn't what life is about. What do we do when we find said love? Does life end there? Am I meant for love? I know it's out there. Waiting. I've said I'm ready, time and time again, but I think I was just trying to convince myself I was. If I were truly ready I wouldn't be blogging about it, I'd be doing something to find it.

So, no time like the present to start on that list.

Every Rose Has Its Thorn

Well, it's been over 2 months since my break-up and things seem to be getting better. I haven't cried for him for some time now. I'm still not sure I am ready to talk to him. Last night I had a dream about him. In this dream we were at my parents' house and everyone seemed to accept him. My mother was introducing him as "my friend from Spain." By friend I'm sure she meant "boyfriend." But I digress, we seemed so happy again, like the break-up didn't happen. We came to my room and we laid on the bed, just staring at the ceiling and talking and laughing, caressing each other, tickling each other, all the lovely things couples do when in bed. Then I got up to go wash my face but the scene changed. All of a sudden we were at my sister-in-law's mother's house. I went to the bathtub and turned on the water and knelt on the side of the tub to wash my face. As I was reaching over to get the water I fill into the tub and was soaked by the water. I came back to the room and changed my clothes. I laid down beside him again and then my sister-in-law's brother came into the room 'looking for something.' I got the feeling that he was just checking in on us (Which is weird because my sister-in-law's family is Christian.) Then I looked toward a glass door and there were kids standing there looking in at us. That is when I woke up . . .

When I woke up I thought to myself 'Why did I dream about him? What is my subconscious trying to tell me?' I would love to think that it meant that we would end up back together, but that is just an over exaggerated wish. I don't know what it is but when I think of he and I, there is this dreaded feeling, like he has moved on and I became nothing more than a whisper in the wind. I don't feel like there is a future for us.

Perhaps I took this 'time off' from him too long and have hardened my heart to him. There is still apart of me that longs for his arms to embrace my body and to cover me with his warmth. There is even a greater part of my heart that craves the feelings he gave me whenever he smiled at me, whenever he would call and say "Hello baby?" Oh how my ears miss the sound of his accented voice. Perhaps my ego has buried my chance for redemption and tucked away a future I wished to live.

Whatever the case maybe, whatever the path is laid before me, I am ready. Ready for what? Ready to start learning about myself. Ready to start this journey of self. I know not the correct paths nor the people I may meet along the way, but what I do know is that the love I carry with me will not perish because I still believe in love. Although love hurts and has caused many scars, love has the unbelievable power to heal each one. Isn't Love amazing? Isn't it awEsome!

Y si por casualidad lees este, quiero que sepas que yo sí que te extraño y que pienso en ti. Como te dije antes I.F.L.Y, nunca olvides.

Ciao

Empty Vote

Reading all these articles regarding health care reform and other things congress has planed for our country I began to wonder. Am I an empty vote? Meaning, I voted but haven't done anything to show support for the changes I believed will come with the vote I cast.

There are others out there who keep doing their part for the vote they cast. They're at the town hall meetings showing support to their representatives and senators, while I sit on the side lines and secretly cheer.

If I am doing this then it means there are others who are doing the same thing. This movement I had proudly become a part of would be nothing if not for the people standing up and asking others to join their cause. No matter where we live in this great country of ours, support matters to our representatives. One voice could mean the difference between the status quo that got us into this situation.

We must remember that this problem was inherited not made by the Obama administration. So far, I believe all that he has set out to do is coming to fruition but it falls on we the people to tell the members of congress that we support the changes Obama is proposing.

My cousins' friend had a stroke at the age of 22 and since he doesn't have insurance the hospital he is at is looking to discharge him. What a sad time we live in when a human isn't worth saving because, as the saying goes, money is king.

So what if I have to pay a little more on my taxes? So what if the cigarette smoker has to pay more because of his addiction? So what if adding a tax to the sodas would make it less likely for kids and parents to purchase?

It is my hope that whoever reads this will join the many other supporters out there who want health care to be in the hands of the people again. Don't believe the lies the opposition has feed the masses. Find out for yourself. Read, get informed.

They say ignorance is bliss but we can't afford to be ignorant.

Don't become an empty vote.

Hell Yeah!

Well, today I paid of two large bills which were hindering me from moving forward. So, now I am able to take two steps forward!! Just two other small bills and I'll be free from a large portion of my debt.

I feel good about it. At first, I was going to buy a MacBook Pro for college, but I thought to myself; "It's probably best to pay off two large bills now then buying something I really don't need." And now, I'm glad I did. I can buy that laptop later.

Well, I thought I'd just share that with the cosmos.

Have a great night everyone.

30th Revolution Extravaganza

It's a few weeks now since my friend and I have been discussing traveling next year. Having these few weeks to ponder where I'd like to go, I know now that I'd like to travel to NYC for my 30th Birthday party. It would be so exciting to celebrate such a "milestone" in one's life in a place such as NYC.

There are so many things to see in NYC and so many things to do, I just need help determining what activities I should put on my list. Any suggestions would be wonderful!!!!

Is it just me or does this month seem like it's just dragging? All the other months seem to have zipped on by, but August seems to be dragging its ass! Perhaps it's that classes are starting again or that next month would have been year since the ex and I would have been together.

Whatever the reason is, I'm tired of August! I'm in the mood for some new things, some new friends, some new music, some new flirting. OH! Speaking of flirting, there was a waiter today that gave me "the eye". It felt so good to see those brown eyes looking deep into mine. His smooth pink lips moving as he spoke, that sexy smile showing his white teeth. Maybe, it was just my mind playing tricks but it felt so good to finally flirt again! I missed it!

Well, I don't have much else to say but PARTY ON!!!! \m/

~E~

Enlightened With Goodbye

Sometimes we don't understand why things happen the way they do. Things never seem to be fair in life and especially in love. Yet, it is my understanding that things do happen for a reason. We just have to be open to hear why, even though it may hurt.

Here is a poem that I wrote regarding my ex bf. Now, after having written this, I am truly at peace with the relationship.

Farewell

My heart crumbled with your reply,
My world fell apart with your goodbye.
Who was I to ask you to stay?
You needed to go away.

I don’t understand though I said I do,
Lonely nights thinking of you.
What I would have done to keep you here,
What I would have given to bring you near.

My failed attempts to erase you from memory,
How could I ever forget our entire story?
I always was impossible doing the impossible,
But loving you was always inevitable.

To hate you my bitterness craved,
Your love my soul did save.
Never before have I loved,
Never again will I cave.

Tomorrow seems like an eternity,
When compared to our mortality.
Countless times I searched for an answer,
Motives and reasons to continue on together.

Deep inside the emptiness grows,
Down and down the tears flow.
Yet I’m happy for all you’ve accomplished,
Your memory time will never extinguish.

I finally understand why,
The absence of goodbye.
Enlightened with your farewell,
Understanding myself very well.

Now I look deep into my reflection,
Sadness a bittersweet emotion.
Never could I hate you,
Forever will I love you.

By Eric D. Spitty © 2009

She Wolf

Don't Know What You Got 'Till It's Gone

Throughout my blogs I've inquired about my relationship with my bf. On July 15th the answer for which I've been searching came to light. A heartfelt letter/email was written to him in which I stated how distant and empty we've become with one another. Also, I mentioned how things haven't been so well for me as of late. The letter I wrote wasn't an ultimatum but a way of getting him to talk to me. However, the feelings and dreams I've had were substantiated when he told me he would like to end our relationship.

Truth be told, I was devastated. For the first time in my life I actually felt my heart breaking. What was worse is that I couldn't show it at the time. I had read the response through my phone and I was watching a movie with my family. My only reaction was silence. My fixation wasn't on the TV nor the conversations going on about me but it was on what was no longer there. That was when true emptiness and loneliness captivated my heart.

Such an immense pain a break-up can bring, even one that seemed to be over even before it began. Don't get me wrong, I loved him, even more than anyone I've loved in my life (excluding family and friends.) He meant so much to me and showed me so much of the world and especially myself. He made me proud to be Mescalero Apache and to accept my body.

There hasn't been a day that has gone by that I haven't thought about him. The things I think and wonder are things that may seem self-destructive but it would be nice to know the answers. For example, is he hurting? Am I that easy to get over? Has he been looking for someone else while we were together? Who else will he sing to? Who gets to hear his Spanish English accent? Who gets to listen to him speak so passionately about his collectibles? and did he cry as much as I have? Does he still?

In both of our response to the other we both agreed that this wasn't our time. There are things in both our lives that need to be fixed before we could ever start to have a real relationship. I understand this and know that the road to correcting these will be hard but I am more than willing to reconstruct my life.

In the end, I am left with the hope that if we were destined to be together then in the future we will find each other again. That my friends, is the hope that I carry with me. I won't be waiting for him, I'll be living my life and I know he will be living his. Eventually our lives will fit together and not be come entangled, but become like two flowing fluid rivers coming together in the sea.



"Loving is so short, forgetting is so long." - Pablo Neruda

Lone Wolf

Here is a poem I wrote a few weeks ago. Let me know what you think.

Lone Wolf

When I dream of you,
All I see is white.
The skies are still blue,
And darkest at night.

The memories I buried,
Are turning to dust.
My burdens you carried,
Return with the dusk.

Once you set my heart on fire,
Now it’s a dwindling flame.
You filled my life with desire,
Now everything’s the same.

How can I say something that’s old,
And turn it into something new?
I wanted you to love me without being told,
Maybe you wanted the same too.

What was holding me to you was fear,
Of repeating all of my hurt and my pain.
Once I even thought you were my cure,
From all the loneliness and all my shame.

With the closeness of your absence,
I’m finally at ease.
Tonight I’ll have to dwell in silence,
But I will be free.

Though the tears of tomorrow,
Will drown me in sorrow.
In love I’ll continue to believe,
And hope’s light I still see.

I’m finally ready to let you go,
But first I want you to know.
I’ll remember that day in September,
When we finally found each other.

Good-bye my lone wolf,
Chase after your moon.
And very very soon,
You’ll have your proof.

Love does conquer all.

Old Friends . . .

The month of May has come to be one of renewal. I've reconnected with two friends which I thought I had lost all communication with. Then, an ex of mine contacted me. I do believe what they say, time heals all wounds. It was nice to talk to him again. We talked about all the funny things we did, the funny things that happened.

We didn't talk about getting back together again but just to know that he is well makes me glad that he found his way in his life.

Anywho, I'm sitting here about to fall asleep but I just wanted to share this with the cosmos. I'll put a better blog up.

Take care my lovelies!

~E~

Sebastian's Voodoo

This is an amazing short film by Joquian Baldwin. Watch it and if you like it as much as I did, vote 5 stars for him. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GYzf3VdxYuE

THANKS!

"Bloody Fantastic!"

Not since Leona Lewis have I enjoyed a British singer more than I have when I seen Susan Boyle's performance on Britain's Got Talent. Simply amazing is all I can say for her performance. The reaction from the crowd before she sang showed just how shallow and cookie-cutter we are as a society (the world in general.) When she belted out those first notes, oh man, the reaction from the crowd, the judges, SIMPLY AMAZING!!!!!!

I got goose bumps from watching her and I felt an overwhelming sense of accomplishment and acknowledgment, not for her per-say but for all of those who were typed-cast as ugly, fat, too short, too tall, too nerdy, too 'not-the-norm'.

I truly hope she wins. If I could vote for her I totally would!

GO FOR THE GOLD SUSAN!!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9lp0IWv8QZY

To Be Or Not To Be, That Is The Question

It is my hope that writing this blog would help me clear my mind about a decision with which I've been wrestling. For the past seven months I've been in a long distance relationship (LDR) with someone from Spain. This is my forth LDR and by now one would have thought all the kinks would have been worked out. It seems the further away they are the harder it becomes to actually say I have a relationship. I am not a very physical person nor need sex to keep me happy, but what keeps a relationship alive in my eyes is nurturing the emotional side of the relationship.

We've spoken about our relationship many times and we've made progress in understanding each others mentality when it comes to sustaining our relationship. For him, it's not speaking about the future too much or talking about what we want to do with each other when we finally get that chance again. For me, it's hearing (not every day) that he still cherishes me and loves me. I don't need to be told on a daily basis but there should be some sort of acknowledgment of admiration and affection.

Perhaps in his attempt to keep loneliness at bay, he does not connect with me via the internet or phone calls. In the beginning it was reasonable and beneficial, but now it just seems like the loneliness has intensified, perhaps only on my part.

It's not only the emotional part but it's also the logical part of our relationship that has us at ends. I live in America and he lives in Spain, he is an atheist and I'm spiritual, I'm romantic he doesn't know where to begin, he's stubborn and I yield. He likes things which I don't find very interesting and vise versa. I fear that there are more differences than similarities. I believe the old saying that opposites attract only applies to magnets. We are not magnets, perhaps I attract LDR's that fail.

During our internet courtship his ex sent me an email accusing him of things and asking me to talk with him (the ex.) I believed that it was just the angry bitter ex talking but looking back, perhaps he was trying to warn me. Aside from the ex, there have been other things that have posted red flags about him. I will not go into detail about the specifics, but deep down it moved the very core of me. I felt vulnerable and manipulated.

However, there are things which he has done that makes me think, he is changing, he is making an effort to show me what he is willing to do for me. For my birthday he recorded songs that I liked and re-recorded them playing the instruments and singing them himself. He got a job in order to pay for the flight and hotels when he came and seen me. He wrote a song for me using his style of music he likes, he told me that it is hard for him to write about love but he was inspired to write it. He was willing to live here in the states but things came up that put that on hold. It's things like these that make me second guess myself about him.

There are two voices that are speaking to me, the emotional and logical. Throughout my life I've always relied on both but now, when it comes to my heart, they're tearing me apart. The logical side tells me that despite our affection for each other we would just end up breaking up, then the emotional side tells me to still have faith, believe that the love we have for each other will be enough to over come the obstacles life has presented us. I fear losing him; is it the love that makes me fear his absence, is it an emotional addiction I've gained while being with him that makes me fear the goodbye?

I'm not sure if what I did today was the smartest thing to do, but I told him that I was not going to be online for awhile. I told him that everything was fine but kept the reason why to myself.

I need to figure out if we will make it another seven months. If we could survive distance and all that it has brought us. Am I strong enough to endure the emotionless responses from him? Am I able to go through the feeling of being ignored and put on a shelf for another day?

For the first time in my life, I'm unsure of what to do. It was easy to make a decision about which school to attend, which car to buy, which friends to have, but to make a decision that will impact what I hold dear, frightens me.

How do I say good-bye?

How do I say stay?

April Showers

I can't believe it's the middle of April already. Although, winter has come and gone, the cold still remains. The sun comes and warms the land but the wind still has the ghostly fingers of winter upon them. The wind which blows here is harsh and at points unyielding. I can't wait until it stops and Spring can finally come.

I'm halfway through my Spring semester and it feels as though I haven't accomplished much. I suppose it's due to the fact that I haven't read much, :-P. I just can't seem to motivate myself these days. I blamed it on everything and anyone but when it comes down to it, it's just pure unadulterated laziness. I use to pride myself in my studies and how organized I use to be. As of late, things have been put on the back burner and have boiled over.

Yet, my life seems so uncomplicated. There is a slowness to rural towns that if not properly checked could overwhelm someone or better yet, underwhelm someone. Not much happens but at the same time so much could happen. I look at my life as a serious of choices. I choose to be happy, I choose to be sad, and some choices are made subconsciously. Throughout these choices it seems my mind only settles on the bad choices I've made, should I have eaten that? should I have woken up earlier? should I have flirted with him? Despite my negative mind, optimism for my future still dimly flickers.

As I write this it occurs to me that I spend too much time worrying about love and the love that I have. Should I not be happy that I have a person in my life that loves me for me? Who hasn't asked me to change to fit some mold of the perfect Adonis in his mind. I think I should be happy and elated. I am, it's just distance is taking it's toll on me. Do I seek out LDR's so I wouldn't have to face the realities of actually having a relationship? Perhaps, the question I should be asking is why am I still bitching?

Well, I shall leave you all here for now. But, before I do, I'd like to share with you a poem I had written about 3 years ago.

You

I give you my heart,
a place to start.
I give you my eyes,
no time for lies.
I even give you my tears,
drowning all my fears.

but don’t ever leave me here,
tell me you’ll always be near.

You are the sun,
we’ve just begun.
You are the rain,
no longer in pain.
You are even the seas,
even a light breeze.

but don’t ever leave me alone,
here to face the unknown.

I give you all of me,
one place you’ll always be.
I give you the stars above,
you are my true love.
I even give you my soul,
condemned to your control.

By Eric D. Spitty

Our Forever

Here is a poem that I have written for my boyfriend. Let me know what you all think of it.

Our Forever

A new day dawns without you,
Deep inside I die.
Another hour leaves me untrue,
Living another lie.

I don't recognize my reflection,
Without you by my side.
I don't feel our connection,
The truth I cannot hide.

The withered rose of September,
Displayed on my wall.
Do you miss me at all?
Your departure I still remember.

Who knew across the sea,
Love would find me?
A foreign voice a foreign touch,
Nothing I've wanted so much.

I feel myself slipping away,
Fumbling and stumbling.
I feel myself losing my way,
Falling and crawling.

The darkness embraces me,
I've lost this fight.
I miss you tonight.
An empty voice chases me.

Another lonely moon rises,
So dark so blue.
Will I ever find solace?
Will I ever find you?

My candle burns, my candle lights,
A deep and unyielding night.
My fingers tremble, my fingers ache,
There is so much at stake.

Another dawn breaks,
No more heartache.
Another hour, another chance,
I still feel your glance.

In my own reflection,
My own connection.
I don't need to hide,
What I feel inside.

A withered rose,
Not a withered memory.
Two immortal souls,
Together on this journey.

An ocean apart,
Together in one heart.
A foreign embrace,
A familiar face.

Slipping into ecstasy,
Fumbling and stumbling.
Lost in this fantasy,
Falling and crawling.

Darkness around me,
Warm in your light.
I'm with you tonight.
Your love surrounds me.

The lonely moon disappears,
Behind mountains of blue.
Finally my solace appears,
'cause I finally found you.

Now in the flickering candle light,
I sleep with you tonight.
So give me your finger,
Give me our forever.

By Eric D. Spitty

Kaleidoscope Life

Well, here I sit, listening to Día de Enero by Shakira, and love seems possible. Today was a good day, it was a little cold but the sun was out and the winds weren't as gusty as they were last week. Over all, I had a good day. Work was enjoyable and I actually got a little work done.

As I look over the past blogs I have posted, there is an underlying theme running through them all, the search for love. Yes, it seems I keep talking about love, but there is a quote, the name of who said it escapes me, that says "Write about what you know." I find myself wondering, is the opposite true? Can we write about things we don't know? Perhaps, writing about something we wish we understood could help us clarify what we really desire to know.

In a couple of blogs I rambled on and on about what I thought love was/is/will be, but as I come into April 1st, 2009, I still find myself without a definite answer. Though through all my experiences and stories from friends, I know love is never the same. Take for instance my friend 'C', she has been in relationship for well over 10 years. Her struggles seem to be repeating the same cycle. In contrast, there are my parents, they've gone through a lot of ups and downs, but despite all the negative and all the pain they caused one another, their love for one another is still strong. I've often sat and tried to dissect their relationship, figure out what held them together. Aside from my siblings and I, there was something more holding them together. They seem to be like best friends, always laughing about a stupid mistake, a sentence that was misspoken or just walking into the kitchen and just looking at each other and there's a smile there, a genuine smile.

Through all of my own relationships I have yet to experience this type of affection. My relationships start out strong and further down the road it seems as though we've run out of gas. Perhaps the common denominator in all of my relationships is the loneliness and the attempt to fill that void. Unfair as it sounds, I look to my partners to fill this void when I should be more concerned about the void itself.

What is this void in my life? I could speculate but I know deep down what this void is. I've tried my entire life to fill this void with relationships that I knew wouldn't work, perhaps in an attempt to prove myself right that I was destined to be alone. Yet, my masochist ways seem to be getting me no where and the perpetual cycle continues.

Yet, I keep telling myself that I see the light at the end of this long dark tunnel. Maybe a way to sooth the hurt I've inflected upon myself. I've no one to blame but myself. I gave into the lie and hurt people in the process, but more importantly, myself. I haven't allowed myself to grow.

The regrets I have are not showing my partners the real Eric. The Eric they seen and known was one which I thought they wanted to see. To please them, to give them a reason to be with me. The ends never justify the means.

In the kaleidoscope that is my life, the colors of jealousy, loneliness, passion, and love are all bleeding together into one gigantic emotion that is too big for one person to endure, yet alone explain. There is never an easy solution to get one's life back on track, yet the light at the end of this tunnel, is still burning. It may be dim and flickers from all my faults and failures, but the love that my parents have shown still keeps the flame burning bright.

This is my path I need to make, brick by brick, and I know that wherever this path may lead, I will never give up on love. Call me a masochist, call me a fool, but I still know love is out there. It may not be in the form we thought, but it's there.

"But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous." Carrie Bradshaw

How to get out of your Relationship Ruts

Here is an article I came across and I thought it had some pretty good insights to what ails a lot of relationships.

http://shine.yahoo.com/channel/sex/break-out-of-your-relationship-ruts-426743

Hopefully, you all will find it useful.

When is enough, Enough?

I need to vent and I'm glad I have this blog to vent. Why is it that people say "you deserve someone/something better than me?" And they give a lame bullshit excuse why? I mean, why would I be invested in someone for so long if I didn't think there was a future between us?

I'm fed up with hearing these lame ass excuses. Yes, things are not perfect at the moment, we are not living our lives how we want to live them, but to give up a future because you are impatient? Perhaps, that's the real reason people shouldn't be together, the other person is too weak.

I'm nearing the point where I just wanna say fuck it! FUCK IT ALL! After all I've done, it just seems it was all in vain. One can only do so much, while the other just muddles through. Perhaps, this is just my moment of weakness.

I won't give up that easily, not after all I have done.

A Day In Your Life

I was looking through my old 'poems/songs' and I came across this. I wrote this back in 2005. Seems like so long ago.

A Day in Your Life

I’m so tired of waiting for you
to give me what you always promise me
in shadows expecting something true
while all my fears you’d set free.

The sky clouds over
and the stars burn out
Fear condemns every lover
and sorrow brings doubt

because living a day in your life
is living life in dark shadows
cutting through despair with a knife
finding under my skin all sorrows

I am fed up with all this crying
all of it drying out my eyes 
although without you I’m dying
I’m here remembering your lies

Let all the songs become echoes
and let all the mistakes be made
Let the rain fall into puddles
and let all the memories fade.

because to live a day in your life
is like counting the sands
living day to day with strife
just wanting a touch of your hands. 

"Lo Que Es Amar . . ." What It Is To Love

'Antología' by Shakira just played and that was the last lyric of her song. No, no, no, I'm not going to go into the psychological aspects of the song, but merely, the need for people to want to know what love is. Love is a beautiful thing that is contradictory in and of itself.

For where else does one love and hate at the same time? Love someone so much that you hate to let them go. Or where tears and dread are a part of love? Love is amazing, when you've been touched by love. However, there are types of love and some are interchangeable but nevertheless there are types.

Love even goes so far as to let the one you love, live their life without you. Yes, this love is one of the greatest. This is when one realizes that the love between the two partners has changed. It's time to allow each other the opportunity to find love once more. Although, this may sound psychotic, it is a necessity if one wishes to live with peace and be able to truly love in the future.

Now, there are loves which transcend space and time. No words or the feeling of skin need be present, the love is felt deep within, warming the body, feeding any hunger. This type of love is what is called 'true love.' Although, some may disagree with me, it is my interpretation of true love.

Oh, look at me, talking about the psychological aspects of love. Well, I guess I can't help it. I'm a student of love.

Despite the heartache love causes there are many people that seek love again. The yearning for that feeling is stronger than the pain love caused. Then why is it that once we do find this love once more, the pain resurfaces? Much to our dismay, the pain could kill the new relationship even before it got a chance to crawl.

The trick I found is to embrace this pain. Don't try to suppress it. This pain lives for a reason, as does everything else in our lives. The purpose, I feel, is to allow us to learn, to grow into the person we are suppose to be.

Okay, we are venturing off into another tangent, 'who are we suppose to be?' All in due time my weary travelers. In due time.

Pain, for some, is what they seek. Masochists, if you may, feed upon this pain. But are we not all masochists in one way or another? For if not, then why do we seek love after it has caused so much pain? Some argue, it is because we seek something more than the pain.

Love is a cycle. And depending on which part we encounter this cycle, we won't know where we are at on this cycle. For some, they are lucky enough to encounter this cycle at the beginning (if it's a cycle, then where is the beginning?). This beginning is when we meet someone. There is a spark deep inside. It isn't a spark of lust, it's a spark of desire. Desire to know more of this person, to know their definition of love, perhaps it's something even more subtle. Whatever the reason, the beginning plays an important part of one's own love cycle. The very lucky find their 'true love.' Then there are the others, like myself, who enter the cycle half way through. This entrance is the gateway to how our relationships will become. Another cycle begins tangently to the cycle of love. This new cycle is our own.

I believe I will end here for the time being. It is late and I have work in the morning. But I leave you with one thought to ponder: 'Where did I begin on this cycle or have I even began?'

Okay, okay, it's two questions in one sentence, but nevertheless, 'Where have you begun or have you even begun?'

Love in the Time of Blogs Vol. 2

Someone once said "It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all." While this is true, it says nothing about the heartache which is left. Perhaps the author of this quote wanted us to come to our own conclusions regarding dealing with grief after a failed relationship.

As of late, I've been contemplating my relationship with G. As posted in Vol. 1, the question of if I am in love with G went unanswered. It's hard for me to answer this question because I am not sure if the answer is based on emotion or facts. Perhaps, the answer needs to be a combination of both. If that's the case, then which emotions and facts do I allow to help me decide the fate of our relationship?

My past three relationships I have been the one who ended the relationship. In those relationships, the emotional connection was lost. I felt so betrayed. I am a person that does not need a lot of physical affection to be happy, but what I do need is the deep inner connection to the person. A simple email of "Thinking about you. I love you." would brighten my day, or even what G and I do, we 'miss-call' one another and that means "Thinking about you/I love you." As of late, those miss-calls have all but ceased.

Perhaps our greatest enemy in our saga is distance. If I have failed to mention, we are in a Long Distance Relationship. Distance is a true test as to whether we are strong enough as a couple to endure and not give into temptations and loneliness. In the end, distance should be our ally. Meaning, it was the thing which brought us closer together. Instead, these past few days distance has dealt us a blow. I have been feeling like our connection has been lost. I miss G, not just physically but emotionally. It's like an absence of a person who is sitting next to you but miles away. I feel we both lost our way and distance was the culprit.

The things which are uncommon between us are things which can easily be cured. We can learn to love or at the very least, appreciate his music and view points.

In the end, our love for each other will help us over come and fill this void that has grown between us.

"If LOVE is not your foundation, Hurt and Fear will conquer all."

Hope

Here I find myself in an utter state of joyfulness and hope which has enveloped our nation. I haven't been so proud to be an American than today. It is a time for not only a national change but personal changes.

I am not a big fan of making resolutions and promises, but this momentous historic event has stirred something deep inside me. I no longer want to live on the side lines of my life. For far too long have I allowed my life to run on auto-pilot. It's time I take the wheel and drive my own life to the destination I want, not one to which I am blindly driven.

It is my hope that we all find the courage inside ourselves to make a change in our lives, communities and in our families, to become closer, to love as a child, without cause and a blindness to the color of each individual.

May God bless each nation of the world.

2009 . . .

Hello World:

2009 has begun and unfortunately for me, it began with a death in my family. What a devastating blow to the hope and optimism I had for this coming year. My cousin passed away January 6, 2009. It was so hard to let him go. I still can't believe he is gone. I miss him, I miss his laugh, his jokes, they were so funny. He brought laughter into our home. He'd always makes me laugh, even just hearing him laugh would make you wanna laugh, even if you're having a bad day.

He lived with us for the past 6 months and I've gotten to know him even more during this time. Our birthdays were two days apart. I always remembered him on his birthday because of that fact. Even as I write this, it still seems impossible to not see him tomorrow. Getting ready to go to work. Smelling the breakfast he'd be cookin'.

He was a good man, a good father, brother, uncle, grandfather and friend.

Shilh hnzhuu shi kis'

Love in the Time of Blogs Vol. 1

This past weekend G and I were IMing and I came across a thought; "How do I know I love G?" Then things like G understands me, G is a good kisser, G is sexy as hell, but then I thought, what about the things that are not good? I dare not list those here, but it seemed that the things which are uncommon between us out weight what we have in common.

Does this lack of commonality mean we are not meant for each other, or is every relationship the same? In almost every aspect of our lives are we different. Musical tastes, movies, political views, spiritual views, nationalities, views on romance, and finances. Are these things which can be over looked, are these things which can easily be incorporated into our relationship to help us grow stronger?

Furthermore, am I in love or am I settling? Am I being fair to G? Am I being fair to me? There are so many questions but the answers I probably don't wanna hear.

During this new year, is it possible to have this relationship and find who I am at the same time? What if I find that I am not the one for G or G is not the one for me? What will it prove? No matter what this year brings, I know I love G.

How do I know I love G? A simple sigh could bring me out of the deepest abyss. A simple laugh could brighten the darkest day. A fight which I usually cause, ends with I.F.L.Y. a few moments later. Every second is filled with a thought about G. My dreams are plagued with visions of a life together, away from prying eyes, and impossible situations between friends and family.

Though, a thought remains, still lingers in the depths of my cluttered mind. 'Am I truly, honestly, in love?' This is probably the stupidest thing with which to compare, but in movies and in literature, they seem to know the moment they fall in love with the other. So the thought that lingers is left unanswered. Not because it doesn't exist but because I'm afraid it isn't the best example of 'when I knew.'

Perhaps, that's the greatest riddle of all, we truly never know until it is gone.

"Moriré y lloraré sin ti . . ." A song which was just playing. Translated: 'I will die and I'll cry without you'