It is my hope that writing this blog would help me clear my mind about a decision with which I've been wrestling. For the past seven months I've been in a long distance relationship (LDR) with someone from Spain. This is my forth LDR and by now one would have thought all the kinks would have been worked out. It seems the further away they are the harder it becomes to actually say I have a relationship. I am not a very physical person nor need sex to keep me happy, but what keeps a relationship alive in my eyes is nurturing the emotional side of the relationship.
We've spoken about our relationship many times and we've made progress in understanding each others mentality when it comes to sustaining our relationship. For him, it's not speaking about the future too much or talking about what we want to do with each other when we finally get that chance again. For me, it's hearing (not every day) that he still cherishes me and loves me. I don't need to be told on a daily basis but there should be some sort of acknowledgment of admiration and affection.
Perhaps in his attempt to keep loneliness at bay, he does not connect with me via the internet or phone calls. In the beginning it was reasonable and beneficial, but now it just seems like the loneliness has intensified, perhaps only on my part.
It's not only the emotional part but it's also the logical part of our relationship that has us at ends. I live in America and he lives in Spain, he is an atheist and I'm spiritual, I'm romantic he doesn't know where to begin, he's stubborn and I yield. He likes things which I don't find very interesting and vise versa. I fear that there are more differences than similarities. I believe the old saying that opposites attract only applies to magnets. We are not magnets, perhaps I attract LDR's that fail.
During our internet courtship his ex sent me an email accusing him of things and asking me to talk with him (the ex.) I believed that it was just the angry bitter ex talking but looking back, perhaps he was trying to warn me. Aside from the ex, there have been other things that have posted red flags about him. I will not go into detail about the specifics, but deep down it moved the very core of me. I felt vulnerable and manipulated.
However, there are things which he has done that makes me think, he is changing, he is making an effort to show me what he is willing to do for me. For my birthday he recorded songs that I liked and re-recorded them playing the instruments and singing them himself. He got a job in order to pay for the flight and hotels when he came and seen me. He wrote a song for me using his style of music he likes, he told me that it is hard for him to write about love but he was inspired to write it. He was willing to live here in the states but things came up that put that on hold. It's things like these that make me second guess myself about him.
There are two voices that are speaking to me, the emotional and logical. Throughout my life I've always relied on both but now, when it comes to my heart, they're tearing me apart. The logical side tells me that despite our affection for each other we would just end up breaking up, then the emotional side tells me to still have faith, believe that the love we have for each other will be enough to over come the obstacles life has presented us. I fear losing him; is it the love that makes me fear his absence, is it an emotional addiction I've gained while being with him that makes me fear the goodbye?
I'm not sure if what I did today was the smartest thing to do, but I told him that I was not going to be online for awhile. I told him that everything was fine but kept the reason why to myself.
I need to figure out if we will make it another seven months. If we could survive distance and all that it has brought us. Am I strong enough to endure the emotionless responses from him? Am I able to go through the feeling of being ignored and put on a shelf for another day?
For the first time in my life, I'm unsure of what to do. It was easy to make a decision about which school to attend, which car to buy, which friends to have, but to make a decision that will impact what I hold dear, frightens me.
How do I say good-bye?
How do I say stay?
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