Adiós

So, today is Thanksgiving. The day we say what we are thankful for. Yet, here is where everything is "blah". But it's not. Today is reminded how much I have to be thankful for. A very loving family. Friends who love me unconditionally. And love. Yes, love.

What's love without wonderment and astonishment? The truth, nothing. Love is everything in one's life. Love just isn't a four letter word that is uttered with each passing day, love is so much more. I believe love is happiness and pain. Happiness in that one cannot live with the thing that makes them lose sense. Lose all control of one's thoughts. Yet, the pain of knowing one cannot live without the other.

There in lies the conundrum. Who is who? Which is which? The answer? It isn't so simple. For me, it's who I want to be. Not only what the world sees, but the most important, who I see myself as.

I'm not a person who changes for someone else. Someone who tears happiness and love apart. I am a believer in love. I am love. I absolutely love who I am.

I am not someone who waits around for love. It's out there. I feel it. My soul craves it. Love is what lives within. I don't need someone else to make me believe it. I totally grasp it. Love. You seductress you. Yet. Yet, love is this emotion I can never live without.

My love is out there. He accepts me for me. No worries, expectations or wants. He loves who he met. Religion and all.

So, as this blog comes to a close, I bid these readers a wonderful prayer. May your love always love you for who you are. You're pitiful ways of the world. The fairytale life we crave. Never settle for less. We are who is who we are.

In the past I settled for less. People who loved for the exterior but what I found out is, who loves me for me? We deserve someone like this. Who loves us for who we are. Not someone who they have to "get to know".

What's at that? Who settles for 'It will get better'? Not me. I will not settle. I will not change my odd, fairytale endings, for 'blah'. I, we, deserve so much more.

So, in this finale blog post, in this site, I leave you with this. Love who you are. Love your mistakes, your faults. We wouldn't have gotten here without it. Learn. Learn what makes you happy. Learn who you are. Learn.

My life isn't ending with this. Only my blog. I will continue on. So, here I come, life. Hope. Future. Love.

Love.

May we all have our love.

I love you. I don't know you. But, human, I do love you.

I love you.

Shiłhnzhuu.

posted from Bloggeroid

Shiłhnzhuu

I love who I am. I love who've I've become. I love the people in my past. I love the people now and I will love who I am tomorrow.

I've made mistakes. But I still love where I've come from.

I love love.

I am love.

I love.

posted from Bloggeroid

Remember the time

As time moves on and seasons change, I am happy. Not all heartache remains. The loss of my friend is still fresh and the pain is there, but the hurting isn't as unbearable as it once was.

He always had a way to make me laugh and smile. Even when we were mad at each other. We were best friends. I shared with him a lot of my life and he was there living it next to me. From elementary school to college, we remained friends. Through our break ups with bfs and simple cruising into town, our friendship remained strong.

There are days when I forget and I wanna call him but I remember, he won't answer. Or there are times when something funny happens and I wanna tell him about. We could just look at each other and know exactly what the other was thinking.

He was a very good friend and I know this sadness will slowly disappear. Yet, I feel a little guilty. Guilty that he won't be here to physically experience his family's most cherished moments nor mine.

Perhaps it's all part of the grieving process. It's been two months and I still can't believe he's no longer here.

I truly pray he is at peace. That his soul has found that peace.

I love you and miss you Terrance.

Forever missed, but never forgotten.

posted from Bloggeroid

Fool Me Once

It isn't in my nature to hold grudges at someone for whatever offenses they may have caused me. I believe in forgiveness and second chances. I would want to be forgiven if I offended or upset someone and I feel I should forgive too.

Yet, when does forgiveness reach its limit? Does it have a limit? Should we allow someone to continually hurt us? Either, emotionally, physically or financially. When is enough, really enough?

As much as I would love to have people be in my life, it's clear, perhaps, there are some who shouldn't be apart of it, no matter how much I care for them. Things haven't changed and I don't see them changing in the future.

So far, I have done good, getting rid of all the negative emotions in my life and accepting what I repressed. As hard as it was to admit it all, I felt so at easy and calm. After finally admitting my feelings, I feel as if the chains that held me down, were suddenly broken and things around me seemed to fall into place.

Now, after tonight, I think I've reached my limit with someone. As much as I care for this person, they weren't meant to be apart of my life and as much as I tried to keep the peace, he isn't interested in peace. He's more concerned about the past and the best way to make me jealous. That isn't the kind of relationship I want in my life nor do I deserve it. I've accepted who I am and who I am not.

The arguments have surpassed the memorable times.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. I've been fooled too many times and I've always ended up the fool. It's time to make my life what I want it to be and fill it with positive, optimistic, mature individuals.

As easy as it would be to hate him, I can't. I wish him nothing but the best and believe our paths are better separated here. While we don't hate each other. Hate is an ugly emotion to have inside and I don't want to have that awfulness inside me.

In all our lives, it's up to us to put our lives in the direction we know is best. Life isn't easy and we make it what it is and I choose to be happy and full of love. True love.

-Eric

Love.Hope.Faith.

Ten years later and the world has not been the same. It's true that everything changes and our world is no exception, but the political, religious and regional changes have spun this world close to the edge of oblivion. We often forget how close to the edge we've all come as a species but we've come to the understanding that united as a people, a people of this planet, we can overcome the greatest obstacles. On this 10th anniversary of 9/11, I'd like to talk about hope.

Through hope for a better future for us all, not only Americans but the entire world. Hope that we can look pass our political, religious and cultural differences. It amazes me how much we divide ourselves from one another but what we fall to forget is that the majority of religions know that without unity, we'll never survive. Still, there are many who believe in no religion and they're not wrong. As a Christian we were taught to minister to those "godless" heathens. But through all the good Christianity and the other religions of the world have brought humanity, there's also the negative. The pain, the despair, the sadness, the heartache and death.

Yet, there is hope. I find this hope through my faith in a higher power. I call this power, God. He has many names and answers many prayers. He lives in us all. Many of us know him as consciousness or as a voice. This consciousness/voice is the power that propels us forward. It motivates us to strive for better lives for ourselves and our loved ones. Whatever name we chose to call this consciousness, we're never alone.

There was a different blog I had in mind to write, but I'll allow this voice to write what needs to be born on "paper." I have faith that we all will see better days than the ones we've seen pass us by. The loss we've all experienced these past 10 years. The people who have passed on, relationships that have ended, and the loss of our finances. These things are enough to test anyone's faith, to question the beliefs we've been taught to believe. We were told life wouldn't be fair or easy but what we can do is chose to have the faith that things will get better.

However much we wish for this world to be tailored to our ideals, we mustn't forget the other people who share the same planet as we do. Their ideals matter. We all matter. We're all human. We have defects, we have our sins, but we also have solutions and salvation.

It's scary to have faith. We can't see faith. We can't point to an object and say "Behold! This is faith." We feel faith, hope and love. I have faith that hope will lead us to love.

Love is hope wrapped in faith.

The loss of my dear friend has made me question my own mortality. The time I've wasted on waiting to live. Waiting for something to happen. Something did happen. Life passed me by. Although I may feel like I've wasted this time, I don't regret anything. Sure, I may be sorry for what I've done or said, but I've learned from it all. Good and bad.

Life isn't always about love or death. Right or wrong. It's about the moments we have shared with our fellow human beings.

I wanted to share a video with you all but instead of that particular video, these thoughts I've had are better. For this time. Whoever is reading this please don't take offense to my mention of God. I just want to share with you all the love I have inside and I do believe God is love. And therefore, if God is love, He is also hope and faith.

In our times of despair and heartache it's easy to feel God has left us. That He doesn't exist. I'm here to tell you, He does. This love I have for humanity is proof that he exists. The love you have for your boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, wife, partner, parents and loved ones is the proof He is apart of us, living in us, through us. Share your love with someone. Make a difference in your life and someone else's life.

I'll leave you all with a prayer that you find some peace in whatever chaos you may find yourself in or even in your most happiest moments. I pray you never lose your faith in love nor the hope that dwells in us all. Be good to yourself and to others. Make your life a life and not a death. Love yourself.

-Eric

New Opportunities in the Daily Grind

I am having a great day today! I feel so productive! We had a meeting this morning at work and it seems as though we are finally getting through to them how important our department really is and how integral we are to the infrastructure of our community. Self-empowerment through work as built up a confidence in myself that I haven't had in quite awhile.

I have been working at my current position for 10 years now. This has been the longest job I've had thus far. It's true that things on the "Rez" move slower than the outside world but things do get done. Hopefully with the investment in our technology and education, we'll be able to be more productive and efficient. I enjoy what I do and hopefully soon, I'll be able to expand on the duties which I currently hold. We don't necessarily have to look outward for new opportunities, sometimes all we have to do is open our eyes and see what we're already blessed with.

After writing in my blog the other day and finally admitting what I did, I feel so much lighter (emotionally). My mind seems to be clearer and I don't feel so walled in by the gray pessimistic emotions I've been harboring all this time. In the end, we're only lying to ourselves and that's one of the worse things we can do in our lives. We already know the truth yet we try to disguise it as best we can to make ourselves feel good, but in the end, the truth always wins out.

There is no shame in saying I was wrong for doing what I've done. I've learned that. I've learned a lot about myself through my failures. It's only normal as humans to make mistakes but the trick is to learn from these mistakes and not make them again.

Well, I must get back to my duties here at work. I felt the need to write and so, I had to come here to get it out. :-D

I hope you all have a fantastic week!

-Eric.

Truth Be Lied.

Today was a beautiful day. I enjoyed every moment of today. Happiness is such a wonderful feeling and especially when one does not have to pretend. Throughout my pass blogs it has been nothing about how hurt I am, how I long to find a love, how everything seems to always go wrong. Pretty much, a woe is me type of blog. I talk of a turning a new leaf and yet I still carry on the same habits expecting different results; as they say the definition of insanity.

But if all those things have been a major factor in this life, how or where do I start? It is not so easy and I never expected it to be. However, what I did not expect is my mind returning to what has already been missing. I don't know how to turn that part of my brain off. I hate being a prisoner of my thoughts and a captive of the past. What more must I accept in order to move on? I don't understand why these feelings persist when I've gone out of my way to quash what remains. Will this yearning ever be extinguished?

Perhaps, if I write down these feelings I've been repressing, it will help to cast off these chains and bring down the wall that clouds my mind.

Yes, I still cannot get over my ex. It's obvious those memories will never fade but I need to move on. All these songs bring me back to him. There has not been a day that has passed where my thoughts settled on him. I think of all the wonderful memories we made and I also think of the missed opportunities I allowed to slip away. There was so much we could have done while together, so much that could have been said. I feel as though these regrets I hold onto are my own form of self-punishment. He deserved so much more than what I offered. I don't understand why these feelings of guilt have consumed me. Do I love him still, without a doubt. I never stopped and never will. I can honestly state that he was my first true love. Otherwise, why would I continue on the way I do?

I was wrong to try and erase him from my life, but I didn't know any other way of letting go of all this heartache and emptiness his absence has left. But, what's done is done. I accept it. I learn it. I want to have a life. I'm ready to live.

Failure seems like second nature to me. I've failed in many aspects of life. They've all made their wounds and I have these scares as proof, but why do I still pick at them? I don't understand my desire to feel this unhappiness I've embraced so freely. I think back to my days in high school. I longed to be away from home, to starting out on my own. There were so many possibilities that laid ahead of me. Naive and blinded by my philosophy of love, I stepped out and was chewed up and spit out by the realities of the world. Things weren't as they seemed on TV or movies.

Even now, I feel like the end is near. As if this life is slowing down, the spinning of this earth has slowed. I feel all eyes on me. Waiting. They wait.

Where am I to go? Who am I to be? What am I to do?

Are these existential questions posed to me or the general cosmos?

Right now, I have no answers for this questions only more questions.

On and on, my restless mind fumbles with the light of the darkness. Truth be lied, I want to know nothing of no one. I want to slip away slowly into the abyss of nothingness.

Truth be lied, I need to return to the days of my innocence or at the very least, what may be left. Perhaps, therein lies the beginning. A simple existential question we all faced while growing up. "What do I want to be when I grow up?"

Right now, the only answer I have is: I want to be alive.

So, September, I welcome you and the next 30 days. May you give me the knowledge and understanding of what the future holds and the empowerment to take on this life and finally live it how it's meant to be lived.

Live long and prosper everyone. XOXO's.

-Eric.

New Leaf . . . New Tree.

What an unexpected month this has been. To the terrible heartbreaking loss of my dear best friend to an all out argument with an ex. This hasn't been the very best month for me. Although, through the majority of it, I feel as though I've been asleep. Just slowly gliding through these past few weeks.

I haven't completely gotten over my friend's death and I find myself so wrapped up in sadness and guilt. Sadness that he's no longer here with me to laugh and share stories of the day. Guilt because he won't be able to be with his family, experience the momentous occasions in his family's lives. To the graduation of his nieces and nephews to him finding someone special and feeling loved.

I'm afraid that his memory will fade and I'm desperate to remember every single memory we had and I know it's impossible, but I feel like if I don't, he'll be gone forever. Absurd, I know, but I can't get my mind off this idea and feeling. My heart feels like it's slowly healing but there's an emptiness and sadness that still lingers.

Perhaps, as the saying goes, time will heal these wounds. I just hope it doesn't erase the precious memories we've shared.

The argument my ex and I had wasn't anything I had expected to happen. All of a sudden he's saying all kinds of hurtful, mean, cruel things and I end up losing it and saying bad things to him too. I'm not a vengeful person and after I said what I did, I immediately felt so ashamed. Throughout the evening I felt so horrible and a heaviness on my heart and I felt like my soul was a dark cloudy mass. It was as if I could feel darkness literally swimming inside me.

After I got back home from the movie my friend and I watched, I sat in my dark room and I was about to text him and he called. He wanted to say he was sorry for the things he said but the apology seemed more like an excuse. As if he were trying to prove to me why I deserved what he said. It made no sense.

Finally, I just told him that it was better if we no longer chat, text or talk on the phone. He hasn't fully matured into the kind of man I want as a partner in my life. We really don't have anything in common, aside from our attraction for one another, and how long can one deign a relationship on attraction alone?

Through all the sadness and turmoil of this past month, I cried. I cried so hard like I haven't cried before. I felt the heaviness and darkness slowly release from my soul. As the tears fell, my mind became clearer and clearer.

It's time for a TRUE change.

But . . . how do I begin this change? I thought it should start with my online life. I put so much effort to my cyber-reality that I've started to mistake it for actual-reality. Not good. I made two new email accounts and only told those who've had a positive influence on my life the emails.

It felt so good to erase all that old baggage. Next, it was on to profiles on sites that only had me thinking badly about myself. My desperate attempt to find a completion to me. How wrong was I. I know that someone shouldn't complete me, I must complete me. I can share my life but not let someone BE my life. How simple and hard.

After all these years of believing that once I found someone, it'll all fall into place naturally. Boy, was I wrong. The pieces didn't fit. It was like looking at a finished recipe but not knowing what ingredients to add. Sorry for the cliche, but it was like wanting my cake and eating it too.

How childishly naive I was/am. I see the finished product, but now it's time to read the directions. If only there were a Customer Care number I could call instead. :-P

Anyway, I feel the choices I made are a step in the right direction. Baby steps, one must crawl before we run.

So, in the spirit of that, I am ready and scared to take on what's ahead of me. We all fear the unknown, but in order to LIVE we must press on and LIVE. No more waiting and expecting things . . . Time to make it happen!

In the words of Tim Gunn: "Make it Work!"

-Eric

Loss

Today one of my best friends from elementary passed away. Terrance Mendez. I remember when we first met. We were both shy and didn't know how to become friends but we started talking and we remained friends ever since.

He moved away but returned and when he did we resumed our friendship like no time had passed. We had so many similarities in our lives. We both shared a love for our culture. Instead of playing outside at recess we would stay in the class room and draw on the blackboard scenes from the Feast (A four day ceremony here in Mescalero). We joined the Indian Clubs in Middle and High School. One summer we were both enrolled in a Water Ecology program. We had so much fun in that class and we met so many great people.

Throughout High School we were friends, working on our Indian Club homecoming parade float. After finishing the float I remember we had a huge water fight with everyone there. We won first place for our float.

He was so talented in so many ways. He drew our shirt for our High School Indian Club and other shirts commemorating relatives and friends' Feasts. Everyone knew he could bead almost everything. He beaded so beautifully and was always modest about his work. His paintings and drawings were equally incredible. He wondered if he did have talent and I told him he could have his own art shop if he wanted. He was an artist with his friends as well.

It seemed effortless for him to make friends with those around him. His caring and friendly personality made everyone comfortable and his humorous attitude made him unforgettable and unforgettable is what he will always be.

My heart aches because a piece has been taken with him. This loss I feel is deep and unfathomable. The memories we've made together are what helps heal this void I feel inside me. Yet, through this heartache and despair, the love he had for his family and friends is a light in this dark time, that will lead us to better days.

In Apache there is no word for goodbye because we know we will see our loved ones again. So, my dear friend, Terrance Duane Mendez, I will see you again and until that day comes, naanduseł.

posted from Bloggeroid

Hope & Understanding

JULY! JULY! T'is the month in which I was born! YAY! There are so many wonderful things for which to be grateful. I have a very awesome family, we spend a lot of time together enjoying each other's company and laughing until our sides are sore. Pictionary is our game of choice. How do you draw Pentagon without using shapes? Or Quiet for that matter. SO FUN!

My friends are equally awesome. Nothing like having friends who get each other's sense of humor. We can just see the same thing and look at each other and KNOW what each other is thinking. Not only are they fun to be around, but they also give great advice and different points of view. Although, we don't always agree, we have a new way of looking at something. I wouldn't change them for the world.

And the love interest? Well, let's just say why fix what's not broke? AWESOME!

As my birthday nears one looks back on the year that is coming to an end. So much has happened and yet so much didn't happen in the way we wanted. Yet, through it all, my faith in myself and in God hasn't faltered. I recently went to a Bible Study at my church; on a side note I hadn't attended a regular church service in YEARS. After reading passages from the Bible, I was filled with hope and happiness. The topic was Guidance. It was like providence that I attended that Bible Study. I felt like it was the thing I had been missing in my life. A hole in my soul I tried to fill with love from someone or something wasn't a sustaining cure, it was a band-aid, but not the healing I needed.

I value the religion in which I was raised to respect and follow. Although there are aspects of this religion with which I do not agree, I still view the fundamental pillars of my faith as my foundation of living my life in harmony with mankind, nature and God.

To some, being gay and Christian seems like an oxymoron. Why believe in something that condemns the very believer? FAITH. This relationship between self and God is just that, between the individual and God. While it's true that believers of a faith come together as a collective body to worship and share in the faith of who/what they believe in, what really matters is what the believer believes in his/her heart and soul.

To come to my conclusion about my faith and why I brought it up is this: sometimes the things in life we are searching for are not what we need. Sure, finding that special someone is important but what do we do after we found him/her? What do we do when we get that job we've always wanted? What do we do when we find our inner peace? Perhaps the break-up we had was leading us to an understanding of our self. We wonder why the other person doesn't change his/her ways but do we ever consider changing our own?

We have this one life and what we do with it truly does matter. You may not be able to sing with the greatest but let your voice be heard. You may not know the words to comfort someone, but your sympathetic embrace could mean a world of difference to that person. We are all a part of this world and we are responsible for the outcome.

I leave you all with this quote from the Dali Lama: "Be the change you want to see in the world."

Have a great day my lovelies! XOXO's

-Eric.

It Ain't Easy . . .

Having another sleepless night. I fell in love today. Perhaps that's the reason my mind isn't allowing me to sleep. It feels so wonderful to fall into love so freely and to lose myself.

A timeless devotional love. Words so filled with emotion that the heart beats to eternity. Lost in the infinite possibilities of hopes of a brighter future.

Truth be told, falling in love is a giant leap of faith. "I know it isn't easy to give up your heart." The weightless feeling of floating in the electricity of love.

Never looking for perfection in myself or others. "Nobody's perfect. Trust me, I've learned it." Learning from our past and letting go of the negativity to which we held so tightly on.

To give of ourselves to someone else is the ultimate love. "I dare you to let me be your . . . Your ONE and ONLY." The ultimate freedom to give our hearts; even the broken jagged pieces.

In the end, love is the light in this dark cynical world. Light your path, believe in yourself and love unconditionally.

Adele - One And Only

posted from Bloggeroid

Things Come & Things Go

Recently, I went through my "Friends List" in my Facebook account and deleted people that I no longer talk to. The majority of these people were for games that we needed neighbors for and others were random requests. Yet, out of all these there was one that was just time to let go.

He's probably reading this now, but perhaps it will shed light on why I deleted him. I consider friendship a two-way street. Meaning, there are no regulations we have to abide by in order for our friendship to remain. I wouldn't ask someone to be a "secret" friend. To only converse with when it's convenient for them. It isn't fair to me. Either I'm a friend or not. I will not be treated differently from others. No more.

The blame doesn't belong to him alone. I was the one who AGREED to this "friendship." So, by the same token, I can leave it behind me. I knew it wasn't going to workout but I held on to hope that it would. We don't always get what we want and perhaps, it's for the best. I've had my chance and it didn't work out. I'm okay with that. Now, it's time to finally let it rest in peace. I can finally take down the rose of a memorable time. I have my memories, I don't need a faded crumbling rose to remind me of the good times I've had.

Here's hoping to a brighter future and a farewell to yesterday.

-Eric

Dark, Breezy and Content

It's three days until I fly into Las Vegas for a well deserved vacation. I'm so excited to be going but at the same a little apprehensive about what's in store.

I'll be meeting a friend I haven't seen in a very long time and we'll be going to a club this Thursday. Also, another friend who I haven't seen in a long time as well will be accompanying us. I really hike we'll have a blast dancing and dicing up our heels.

It feels good tonight, sitting in my dark breezy room. The music's playing and I'm laying here enjoying the night. Just three more days!!!!! So excited!

Well, I thought It's share a little with you all. More to come I swear.

posted from Bloggeroid

Sleepless Night

It's another sleepless night watching nonsense on tv. All these shows about finding the one, dealing with the one, getting rid of the one or cheating on the one has got me triking about my own relationships.

There are so many things I've done to save a relationship and so many things I should have done to make it better. I become afraid of having my partner cheat on me so I drive him away before it happens. I get jealous and start fights so he'll see Im not right for him. Perhaps I am afraid of really giving my heart to someone. I may open it up but only for a short amount time.

I'm so unhappy with the whirlpool of nothingness that my life has been drifting in, circling the drain. There is a quote I heard that made me think "If you want to know how to be here, stop waiting for something to happen." How am I suppose to expect something to happen if I do nothing?

I just don't know where to begin. To be honest, I'm lazy. However, there are times when I do get in the mood and start feeling inspired and start getting into gear. Then I lose fuel and end up in the same area.

I hate keep waiting for someone to complete me. I hate thinking about my exes and why they left me. I hate focusing on men. Not sex, just a relationship. It consumes me daily. Where does one begin?

Well, these are the thoughts that are swirling around my mind tonight before bed. I hope you all have a great evening. Xoxo's

posted from Bloggeroid

Freedom

Haven't you ever felt like a loser? I mean, life's going so good then there's someone or something that reminds you, "HEY! You aren't in Kansas anymore." Well, I think through the days that brought me here, a single act of stupidity on my behalf, has shown me such a case.

Eric, a sole soul spinning along with other mortal souls on this speck of dust. He's nothing abnormal. Appearing human in form. Yet, the internal conflicts much like the writers of old. Love and peace, unknown fortunes and past misfortunes. Eric, an unknown soul among millions, billions.

Yes, I've felt empty and out of place. People have given me reason to doubt what I believe and my beliefs have given me reason to doubt the people I believe. This world is full of doubt and always lacking faith. I've always believed in a higher power. Someone there to guide me to where I am. Someone who has always been there who knows me better than I. Yet, the doubt the world causes me to see, to pick like a scab, has brought me to disbelief.

One immeasurable truth was love. IS LOVE. Yet, deep down, I feel this love has been extinguished. The vapors of what I had have slowly dissipated into the nothingness of yesterday.

The true love I felt I love isn't the love I thought I needed. I pretended for hopes sake and believed for my own loves sake. Yet, I allowed myself to believe the love was true and everlasting. Now I see. I believed so much in the faith of love that I believed the hope I hoped.

Was my love true? Yes it was. Was his? I have no clue. I've just had enough of pretending. Of allowing my heart and soul to wait for someone and something. I shouldn't have to teach someone to love me how I need to be loved nor should I be taught. I loved him because he was handsome and kind. I looked past the wayward eyes, the monolithic brute show of utter concealment and belief what wasn't there. Even now my eyes want to shed tears for someone who didn't know how to love me.

It's always hard to say when we've made mistakes and it's always hard to admit our wrongs. I've always believed in a love everlasting. A love that was meant for me. I know this to be false. I know this falsehood to be true.

I'm ready to release it all. Release what I held on to. To whom I held on. Freedom. Joy. Happiness. Emotions you deserved. That you will obtain.

Well, after tonight, I'm unsure where my belief in love will take me but I still have a faith in that one TRUE person who will know how to love me without songs, words, hints and advices.

So, until then. Here I am.

-Eric.

Make You Feel My Love

Lately, I've had this mental block. I've only written one poem and there are others that want to be born, I feel it. But this block won't let them be born. I don't want to force it to come because that's the worst thing you can do when it comes to creative writing.

Perhaps, I need to write in this blog and get my mind free and clear. There are a few changes in my life as of late. I've paid off a lot of my debt and it feels so good to have erased that from my life. There isn't a dark cloud looming over head. Debt is such an odd thing; how it's able to affect us mentally. Now that I'm free of it, I honestly feel better and enjoy life more. The other thing that has changed is I'm no longer in a LDR with Erik, officially. Things were just too hard. We'd argue over little things and threaten to break it off so many times. What was different this time? Well, I just felt he didn't understand who I am. I know I'm a very difficult person to have as a partner; I'm overly sensitive (I've been told), I don't say what I want to say, I overreact and the list could go on and on. But! But there's also good traits, I believe, which make up for all the negative. I'm kind and generous with what I have, I'm always optimistic, about everything, a hopeless romantic who still believes in love, although I've been burned so many times, I give people the benefit of the doubt. Perhaps, Erik was meant to be a friend and we tried to push this relationship on each other because we were lonely. I don't doubt the love I felt for him and still feel for him but as individuals, we were not the compatible pieces of the jigsaw puzzle of life. He'll always be a special part of my life and I'm glad we are still friends.

Reciently, a friend I've known for awhile shared a song with me: A Te by Jovanotti:



It's such a great song and the lyrics, the life of songs, are so beautifully written. He told me "Someday, when I meet that special someone, this is the song I want to dedicate to him." After reading the translation, I understood what he meant.

With Valentine's Day approaching, it's easy to get caught up in the capitalistic side of the holiday, but the idea of a day that a group of people share in solidarity for love, is an idea I can support. Here is another song I really like. It's called "Make You Feel My Love" covered by Adele:



As cynical as I can be, I never lose faith that I will find a love that was meant for me. All my past relationships have been blessings to me and I'm thankful for them all because without them I wouldn't have learned the lessons I needed to learn.

When the time's right, I'll be ready and willing to share this love I have to offer. I know someday one of these frogs will turn into the partner I've been searching for.

Until that day arrives . . .

Don't Wait Until Mañana

HAPPY NEW YEAR WORLD! 2011 is here and I'm smiling. Yes, smiling. Have I met someone? Have I paid my debt? Have I finished school. The answer to all this is no. I smile because I'm alive and I have wonderful people in my life with whom to share this life of mine.

If there were a resolution I would have made this year it would be to follow this quote from Gandhi: "Be the change you want to see in the world." What does this mean to me? There are too many negative people in this world who lost hope and who simply don't care. Therefore, if I want this world to change I must begin with myself. I'm negative towards the one person I shouldn't be; myself. So, here I am. Smiling. I look in the mirror and smile at the person looking back.

"Life is short so make it what you wanna, make it good don't wait until mañana." What an awesome lyric, no? How simple things become the most difficult to bear. I smile. Tomorrow isn't here but today is so let's make it what we want.

"The smile on my face has no remedy." There's no remedy but there is a beginning. Hope for myself. I smile. How blessed we are to be able to write what we want, to listen to what we want, to be able to read this blog. What better way to change the world than to share my blessings with you all.

I may not know who you are, but on this speck of dust we call Earth we're all on the same journey. To live. I share with you all the blessing of love. I love you all. No matter in which form it is given; friendly, intimate, relational, spiritual, it is all the same: L-O-V-E. No matter the language we speak, love doesn't change.

Know you are loved and smile.