Truth Be Lied.

Today was a beautiful day. I enjoyed every moment of today. Happiness is such a wonderful feeling and especially when one does not have to pretend. Throughout my pass blogs it has been nothing about how hurt I am, how I long to find a love, how everything seems to always go wrong. Pretty much, a woe is me type of blog. I talk of a turning a new leaf and yet I still carry on the same habits expecting different results; as they say the definition of insanity.

But if all those things have been a major factor in this life, how or where do I start? It is not so easy and I never expected it to be. However, what I did not expect is my mind returning to what has already been missing. I don't know how to turn that part of my brain off. I hate being a prisoner of my thoughts and a captive of the past. What more must I accept in order to move on? I don't understand why these feelings persist when I've gone out of my way to quash what remains. Will this yearning ever be extinguished?

Perhaps, if I write down these feelings I've been repressing, it will help to cast off these chains and bring down the wall that clouds my mind.

Yes, I still cannot get over my ex. It's obvious those memories will never fade but I need to move on. All these songs bring me back to him. There has not been a day that has passed where my thoughts settled on him. I think of all the wonderful memories we made and I also think of the missed opportunities I allowed to slip away. There was so much we could have done while together, so much that could have been said. I feel as though these regrets I hold onto are my own form of self-punishment. He deserved so much more than what I offered. I don't understand why these feelings of guilt have consumed me. Do I love him still, without a doubt. I never stopped and never will. I can honestly state that he was my first true love. Otherwise, why would I continue on the way I do?

I was wrong to try and erase him from my life, but I didn't know any other way of letting go of all this heartache and emptiness his absence has left. But, what's done is done. I accept it. I learn it. I want to have a life. I'm ready to live.

Failure seems like second nature to me. I've failed in many aspects of life. They've all made their wounds and I have these scares as proof, but why do I still pick at them? I don't understand my desire to feel this unhappiness I've embraced so freely. I think back to my days in high school. I longed to be away from home, to starting out on my own. There were so many possibilities that laid ahead of me. Naive and blinded by my philosophy of love, I stepped out and was chewed up and spit out by the realities of the world. Things weren't as they seemed on TV or movies.

Even now, I feel like the end is near. As if this life is slowing down, the spinning of this earth has slowed. I feel all eyes on me. Waiting. They wait.

Where am I to go? Who am I to be? What am I to do?

Are these existential questions posed to me or the general cosmos?

Right now, I have no answers for this questions only more questions.

On and on, my restless mind fumbles with the light of the darkness. Truth be lied, I want to know nothing of no one. I want to slip away slowly into the abyss of nothingness.

Truth be lied, I need to return to the days of my innocence or at the very least, what may be left. Perhaps, therein lies the beginning. A simple existential question we all faced while growing up. "What do I want to be when I grow up?"

Right now, the only answer I have is: I want to be alive.

So, September, I welcome you and the next 30 days. May you give me the knowledge and understanding of what the future holds and the empowerment to take on this life and finally live it how it's meant to be lived.

Live long and prosper everyone. XOXO's.

-Eric.