Make a List and Check it Twice

There is so much for me to do these past few months yet I find myself uninterested in doing what needs to be done. I feel this cloud in my head and it becomes thicker and thicker. I know what needs to be done but the effort isn't there. It's as if I'm on cruise control, auto pilot. So many times I've wanted to get out of this rut as I've called it, but it's easier said than done. I HATE THAT CLICHE! I hate it but it's so true.

I'm almost done with college but I feel myself burning out. Why is it that I get so excited for school to start but then when it arrives, the excitement withers away and I'm left with discouragement. I don't understand why my life is like this, why I allowed myself to come this far.

My finances are back on track and I thought when that happened things would automatically fall back into place. Man was I wrong. I guess it's up to me to change what is to what CAN be.

I've read that starting a list and marking them off helps. I figure that it couldn't hurt. So here is a small list:

1. Finish college by the time I'm 30 years old.
2. Pay off old debt.
3. Find my own place.
4. Make new friends.
5. Learn to speak Spanish fluently.
6. Post an Anthology of my poems.
7. Run a mile.
8. Read a non-school book a month.
9. Spend at least one straight weekend with my whole family.
10. Learn how to make a new dish.

For now, I think this small list is sufficient enough. I'll add to it, mark items off as I finish each, and rearrange items.

One thing I failed to put on this list is become more spiritual. I don't believe that is something one can cross off a list. Perhaps this is the thread that ties my whole life together. I was brought up in a Christian home and I loved how it felt when we all went to church as a family. Seeing my whole family there, my aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandparents. Times have changed and I've allowed myself to become too 'busy' for church, too concerned about partying, too concerned for finding love. All this searching and I've yet to yield any results. Perhaps that in itself is the answer. Time to change my strategy.

In the past I allowed the search for love to consume my soul and my mind. Although finding love is important, it isn't what life is about. What do we do when we find said love? Does life end there? Am I meant for love? I know it's out there. Waiting. I've said I'm ready, time and time again, but I think I was just trying to convince myself I was. If I were truly ready I wouldn't be blogging about it, I'd be doing something to find it.

So, no time like the present to start on that list.

Every Rose Has Its Thorn

Well, it's been over 2 months since my break-up and things seem to be getting better. I haven't cried for him for some time now. I'm still not sure I am ready to talk to him. Last night I had a dream about him. In this dream we were at my parents' house and everyone seemed to accept him. My mother was introducing him as "my friend from Spain." By friend I'm sure she meant "boyfriend." But I digress, we seemed so happy again, like the break-up didn't happen. We came to my room and we laid on the bed, just staring at the ceiling and talking and laughing, caressing each other, tickling each other, all the lovely things couples do when in bed. Then I got up to go wash my face but the scene changed. All of a sudden we were at my sister-in-law's mother's house. I went to the bathtub and turned on the water and knelt on the side of the tub to wash my face. As I was reaching over to get the water I fill into the tub and was soaked by the water. I came back to the room and changed my clothes. I laid down beside him again and then my sister-in-law's brother came into the room 'looking for something.' I got the feeling that he was just checking in on us (Which is weird because my sister-in-law's family is Christian.) Then I looked toward a glass door and there were kids standing there looking in at us. That is when I woke up . . .

When I woke up I thought to myself 'Why did I dream about him? What is my subconscious trying to tell me?' I would love to think that it meant that we would end up back together, but that is just an over exaggerated wish. I don't know what it is but when I think of he and I, there is this dreaded feeling, like he has moved on and I became nothing more than a whisper in the wind. I don't feel like there is a future for us.

Perhaps I took this 'time off' from him too long and have hardened my heart to him. There is still apart of me that longs for his arms to embrace my body and to cover me with his warmth. There is even a greater part of my heart that craves the feelings he gave me whenever he smiled at me, whenever he would call and say "Hello baby?" Oh how my ears miss the sound of his accented voice. Perhaps my ego has buried my chance for redemption and tucked away a future I wished to live.

Whatever the case maybe, whatever the path is laid before me, I am ready. Ready for what? Ready to start learning about myself. Ready to start this journey of self. I know not the correct paths nor the people I may meet along the way, but what I do know is that the love I carry with me will not perish because I still believe in love. Although love hurts and has caused many scars, love has the unbelievable power to heal each one. Isn't Love amazing? Isn't it awEsome!

Y si por casualidad lees este, quiero que sepas que yo sí que te extraño y que pienso en ti. Como te dije antes I.F.L.Y, nunca olvides.

Ciao