Hello out there! It's been a long time since I've graced the universe with my meandering thoughts so here I am.
As this year comes to a close and a new year is eagerly awaiting to dawn we all can't help but look back on the past 349 days. How many were spent laughing, smiling, crying, idling, dreaming and working? How many new people did we meet, how many not-so-new people were we reintroduced to once again? Undoubtedly, this year wasn't what I had expected from the beginning of 2010. I was determined to reorganize my life. From college, to finances and to the ever elusive formidable prey, love.
On the 200th day of 2010 I turned 30. From everyone who has turned 30 or those who are dreading this number, I thought I would freak out. I didn't. I don't feel the number and hopefully I don't look it either. Numbers. Why are we obsessed with numbers? Numbers rule our world yet we've never really explored the tangent side of numbers. The more practical and logical value of numbers tells us I am 30 years old and am 5 feet 8 inches tall and weight 290 pounds. This describes the entity that is Eric; yet nothing is told about the entity's soul, mind and consciousness.
Four is the number of relationships I've had but not the number of times my heart has been broken. There isn't enough time in this life to count the times I've wished I were someone else, how easier it would be.
But 1 is the person I am among billions. One soul navigating the treacherous sea we call life. I've run my ship aground and laid anchor in the middle of nowhere. I've been through storms and calm waves but without a compass or the stars to guide me, I've been circling circles.
As I add up all my regrets and sorrows there is a remainder that is always left, though it's small and it's minuscule, it can move mountains. Hope is the remainder. I have hope that some day the number of times my heart has been broken will be infinitesimal to the number of times I've laughed and smiled, I have hope that the number of pounds I may lose or gain will never outweigh the love that will live inside me.
I make no promises this coming year; only hopes that I find a compass and the shining stars that will guide me to where I'm meant to be and to someone I can share my triumphs and failures, my love and happiness, my sorrows and tears.
See you all next year. ;-)
-Eric
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Sunday, August 22, 2010
The Blessed Light
Wow, it's been a very long time since I last blogged. It seems somewhat foreign to me now. A lot has happened and yet it still feels the same. Another day dawns and another sets. I breathe in and I exhale. I wonder and wander and end up in the same position. The seconds tick by and the hours accumulate. Days pass and months fly by. This exhausting nothingness of survival has dug deep into the essence of me. I live to simply live. This isn't a life. To be without doing. To live without living. To love and remain loveless.
Things were suppose to be different when I turned 30 and found love again. Is turning a number change enough to be accomplished? Is saying we found love enough to forget the pain and erase the scars? Does aging bring wisdom or do these scars still have lessons yet to be learned?
There is song by Shakira called 'Te Necesito' (I Need You). In this song there is a lyric I never understood until now: "Ya no sé si he vivido diez mil días o un día diez mil veces." (I no longer know if I have lived ten thousand days or one day ten thousand times.) This sunny gray day I have lived for awhile and I wonder when it'll only be sunny? Granted, life isn't all about sunny days but for me it seems the weather forecast remains the same.
Erik, my bf, dedicated a song to me called 'Bendita Tu Luz' (Your Blessed Light). This is one beautifully written song that touched my soul and heart. Everyday I have to hear this song; for when I hear this song, it's like he's here with me. I can't help but smile when I think of him and I'm grateful to have him in my life because he makes it bearable.
But, I don't wanna live a life 'cause of someone, I wanna live a life 'cause of me. This will sound weird coming from me, but there has got to be more to life than love. What do we do when we find it? How do we know we found love?
Maybe life is about finding the answers rather than asking the questions. There are many questions I've asked and received logical responses; yet, there are emotional questions to which logic has no response. I feel there are two people living in one mind. An Optimist and a Pessimist. What I project into the world is the optimistic optimist. Always willing to show the silver lining in any storm. Yet, the pessimist reveals himself in the unknown and unanswered questions. I have no optimism when it comes to myself and the risks we all need to take in life. The pessimistic optimist is what I have become. An oxymoron in the flesh.
Now, who's to say an oxymoron dichotomy can't be harmonious? Perhaps our lives are governed by two forces which balances our center. This center is what I want to find. I thought the center of my essence would be love. Yes, it makes up a substantial portion, yet it feels empty. This emptiness is unsettling. Not knowing what is lacking is scaring me.
I look around me and see people 'living' their lives. Are these people happy in their lives or do they wish for more? Yes, everyone wishes for more wealth and what not, but how many seek the person within? Do they believe in God or gods? Do they wonder what they believe in or are they happy not believing? What do I believe? Have I forgotten the beliefs I have/had?
The days of not worrying about tomorrow are just a nostalgic memory of a youthful past which has long been dimmed. However, I wonder. There is a light inside us which we can light which will burn brighter than our faded past. Love is the flint and faith is the spark and the flame is life.
I found the flint and lack the spark. Perhaps, that's why I feel my soul is dying. The faith that sparks my life has been extinguished with past mistakes and the fear of more mistakes to come. To have faith is to have life and I want to live this life I have been given. I want my life to be a blessed light.
The past is slowly fading but the memories I've shared are still vivid and free but I'm ready to pursue a path. Faith.
I'm ready.
-Eric
Things were suppose to be different when I turned 30 and found love again. Is turning a number change enough to be accomplished? Is saying we found love enough to forget the pain and erase the scars? Does aging bring wisdom or do these scars still have lessons yet to be learned?
There is song by Shakira called 'Te Necesito' (I Need You). In this song there is a lyric I never understood until now: "Ya no sé si he vivido diez mil días o un día diez mil veces." (I no longer know if I have lived ten thousand days or one day ten thousand times.) This sunny gray day I have lived for awhile and I wonder when it'll only be sunny? Granted, life isn't all about sunny days but for me it seems the weather forecast remains the same.
Erik, my bf, dedicated a song to me called 'Bendita Tu Luz' (Your Blessed Light). This is one beautifully written song that touched my soul and heart. Everyday I have to hear this song; for when I hear this song, it's like he's here with me. I can't help but smile when I think of him and I'm grateful to have him in my life because he makes it bearable.
But, I don't wanna live a life 'cause of someone, I wanna live a life 'cause of me. This will sound weird coming from me, but there has got to be more to life than love. What do we do when we find it? How do we know we found love?
Maybe life is about finding the answers rather than asking the questions. There are many questions I've asked and received logical responses; yet, there are emotional questions to which logic has no response. I feel there are two people living in one mind. An Optimist and a Pessimist. What I project into the world is the optimistic optimist. Always willing to show the silver lining in any storm. Yet, the pessimist reveals himself in the unknown and unanswered questions. I have no optimism when it comes to myself and the risks we all need to take in life. The pessimistic optimist is what I have become. An oxymoron in the flesh.
Now, who's to say an oxymoron dichotomy can't be harmonious? Perhaps our lives are governed by two forces which balances our center. This center is what I want to find. I thought the center of my essence would be love. Yes, it makes up a substantial portion, yet it feels empty. This emptiness is unsettling. Not knowing what is lacking is scaring me.
I look around me and see people 'living' their lives. Are these people happy in their lives or do they wish for more? Yes, everyone wishes for more wealth and what not, but how many seek the person within? Do they believe in God or gods? Do they wonder what they believe in or are they happy not believing? What do I believe? Have I forgotten the beliefs I have/had?
The days of not worrying about tomorrow are just a nostalgic memory of a youthful past which has long been dimmed. However, I wonder. There is a light inside us which we can light which will burn brighter than our faded past. Love is the flint and faith is the spark and the flame is life.
I found the flint and lack the spark. Perhaps, that's why I feel my soul is dying. The faith that sparks my life has been extinguished with past mistakes and the fear of more mistakes to come. To have faith is to have life and I want to live this life I have been given. I want my life to be a blessed light.
The past is slowly fading but the memories I've shared are still vivid and free but I'm ready to pursue a path. Faith.
I'm ready.
-Eric
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Elusivness and Possible Impossibilities
In yesterday's blog I wrote about letting go and moving on and the search for an answer. I didn't feel like chatting with anyone yesterday so I took the day off from the internet to gather my thoughts and feelings.
It's weird how emotional I am. Sometimes I drive myself crazy. All these emotions that live inside me trying to escape and sometimes they escape in unproductive ways. I prided myself in my ability to connect with the inner being, yet I never fully listened.
Last night, I talked with "BB" for more than a hour, almost two. It's amazing how he can make me feel so much better. I could feel all the apprehensions of the unknown slowly melt away while we chatted. Although I clung to my melancholy, BB had me laughing and smiling in no time.
I went to sleep with a smile on my face and in a better mood than I was when I got home. I know that he and I are complete opposites and our paths might not be headed in the same direction but for the time being I'm going to enjoy what we have together.
This got me thinking, perhaps subconsciously I attach myself to relationships that are doomed to fail because I want to play the victim or don't feel I deserve a shot at true happiness. Though it may seem true, I feel that I only look at the dire impossibilities as a reflection upon my life. Aside from distance, all my past relationships have one common thread, we were all opposites.
Maybe the law of opposites only pertains to magnets and not love. With my past relationships I found common ground between us but I found it wasn't enough. The dynamic of our relationship always seemed to be me catering to their needs instead of my own.
BB is a great guy and I could see us enjoying the time we will spend com Fall, but I see the truth now. We both know that this couldn't be anything serious than what it is now, because of his situation with the people around him (He isn't out, I know . . .). But there is a strange pull I feel towards him. However, as the advice I give others, I need to be upfront with him. He needs to know what I am looking for and what I am not.
Our dialogue in our conversations are centered around our first encounter. How he wants to make me happy during our time together. I don't know how to feel when he tells me I make him feel different, that this difference makes him happy.
In my vain attempt at being courageous in the face of heartache and pain, my heart has hardened and that isn't who I am. There has to be a thin line between protecting our hearts and becoming jaded.
Perhaps becoming friends with my recent ex was too soon for me. I know he has a bf already and I am happy for him and wish him the best with his new relationship. But, there is question that lingers in my mind that I am too afraid to ask him because I don't want to know the answer. For if the answer is what I think it is, I know our relationship will not be the same again.
Yesterday, I wanted to confront this possibility but it never came to pass or the answer was too elusive to grasp. I just want to overcome this feeling of utter failure. For whatever reason, my mind keeps circling around my ex. I feel we could have made a clean break but he is friends with some of my friends and it makes it that much harder to let go when the past is always around haunting you. I figure, in my next relationship I should keep my bf's separate from my friends to avoid this dilemma again. Only when I am sure things will work out will I want my friends to meet my bf. However, there are a few select individuals I would want him to meet because I know they have my best interest in mind.
So, to conclude today's blog entry, the slow process of healing is beginning. The acknowledgment phase I wrote of yesterday is over and now a plan is being made. Shortly, I'll be on to action.
Until next time, I hope you all are in good spirits and continue to believe and love yourself.
-Eric
It's weird how emotional I am. Sometimes I drive myself crazy. All these emotions that live inside me trying to escape and sometimes they escape in unproductive ways. I prided myself in my ability to connect with the inner being, yet I never fully listened.
Last night, I talked with "BB" for more than a hour, almost two. It's amazing how he can make me feel so much better. I could feel all the apprehensions of the unknown slowly melt away while we chatted. Although I clung to my melancholy, BB had me laughing and smiling in no time.
I went to sleep with a smile on my face and in a better mood than I was when I got home. I know that he and I are complete opposites and our paths might not be headed in the same direction but for the time being I'm going to enjoy what we have together.
This got me thinking, perhaps subconsciously I attach myself to relationships that are doomed to fail because I want to play the victim or don't feel I deserve a shot at true happiness. Though it may seem true, I feel that I only look at the dire impossibilities as a reflection upon my life. Aside from distance, all my past relationships have one common thread, we were all opposites.
Maybe the law of opposites only pertains to magnets and not love. With my past relationships I found common ground between us but I found it wasn't enough. The dynamic of our relationship always seemed to be me catering to their needs instead of my own.
BB is a great guy and I could see us enjoying the time we will spend com Fall, but I see the truth now. We both know that this couldn't be anything serious than what it is now, because of his situation with the people around him (He isn't out, I know . . .). But there is a strange pull I feel towards him. However, as the advice I give others, I need to be upfront with him. He needs to know what I am looking for and what I am not.
Our dialogue in our conversations are centered around our first encounter. How he wants to make me happy during our time together. I don't know how to feel when he tells me I make him feel different, that this difference makes him happy.
In my vain attempt at being courageous in the face of heartache and pain, my heart has hardened and that isn't who I am. There has to be a thin line between protecting our hearts and becoming jaded.
Perhaps becoming friends with my recent ex was too soon for me. I know he has a bf already and I am happy for him and wish him the best with his new relationship. But, there is question that lingers in my mind that I am too afraid to ask him because I don't want to know the answer. For if the answer is what I think it is, I know our relationship will not be the same again.
Yesterday, I wanted to confront this possibility but it never came to pass or the answer was too elusive to grasp. I just want to overcome this feeling of utter failure. For whatever reason, my mind keeps circling around my ex. I feel we could have made a clean break but he is friends with some of my friends and it makes it that much harder to let go when the past is always around haunting you. I figure, in my next relationship I should keep my bf's separate from my friends to avoid this dilemma again. Only when I am sure things will work out will I want my friends to meet my bf. However, there are a few select individuals I would want him to meet because I know they have my best interest in mind.
So, to conclude today's blog entry, the slow process of healing is beginning. The acknowledgment phase I wrote of yesterday is over and now a plan is being made. Shortly, I'll be on to action.
Until next time, I hope you all are in good spirits and continue to believe and love yourself.
-Eric
Monday, April 5, 2010
The Ghost
It's April and Spring is officially here! YAY! It feels good not to wear a jacket all the time (only when it's windy I suppose). There is snow still on the mountain and it looks beautiful.
School is coming along and a family friend is helping me to get into a program at NMSU which helps Native American tribes with different things. This certain program helps promote Water Conservation, Surveying, and other important infrastructure training. I would mainly be going for the surveying as it pertains to my job, but all the other topics would be beneficial to my job because we work so closely with other departments within the tribe.
Lately, on the dating/love scene, I've been chatting with this guy from TX. He seems really nice and caring. Makes me laugh which I really like and is so supportive of the things I'd like to do in life. Yet, I'm still afraid to open up to him. Let's face it, I don't have the best track record when it comes to dating and that scares me. I don't want to go through all the pain again, but should I let the possibility of being hurt keep me from finding love?
It's time to finally let my past rest in peace. I'm tired of holding on to the ghost and living among memories and dreams. I've wasted so many years waiting for someone to come along while losing myself along the way. I don't understand how I could have let myself down this much. I've become a stranger in my own house and I feel disconnected from the entire world. It isn't the fault of one person but a collection of events which I've used as an excuse as to why I can't move on.
Where to begin? How does one take the first step? I suppose, one begins with acknowledgment of the problem. Then a plan of action is made, then real action to promote real change.
Looking back on the past blogs I started a schedule for myself but it only organized the mundane tasks of the day/week. I forgot to organize my life at the same time. For without a sturdy foundation how does one hope to survive a storm?
There have been many storms in my life and after each one passes the aftermath is never fully repaired. I hold on to the pain as some sort of comfort or maybe even as proof that I'm alive. I've never been one to forget. How do I let go?
Letting go could be the answer for which I've been searching. Does letting go mean forgetting? Perhaps, that's my true fear, forgetting the memories I've created and the dreams I've dreamed.
Everything is always absolute for me, either it's like this or like that and there is no gray. I feel there isn't anyone in my life that I can talk to who would understand or at the very least pretend. I have my friends but I get the feeling they don't understand or don't feel as I feel.
In the end, the answer lies within me not in someone else but it would be nice to have someone along for this adventurous journey of finding the answer.
-Eric
School is coming along and a family friend is helping me to get into a program at NMSU which helps Native American tribes with different things. This certain program helps promote Water Conservation, Surveying, and other important infrastructure training. I would mainly be going for the surveying as it pertains to my job, but all the other topics would be beneficial to my job because we work so closely with other departments within the tribe.
Lately, on the dating/love scene, I've been chatting with this guy from TX. He seems really nice and caring. Makes me laugh which I really like and is so supportive of the things I'd like to do in life. Yet, I'm still afraid to open up to him. Let's face it, I don't have the best track record when it comes to dating and that scares me. I don't want to go through all the pain again, but should I let the possibility of being hurt keep me from finding love?
It's time to finally let my past rest in peace. I'm tired of holding on to the ghost and living among memories and dreams. I've wasted so many years waiting for someone to come along while losing myself along the way. I don't understand how I could have let myself down this much. I've become a stranger in my own house and I feel disconnected from the entire world. It isn't the fault of one person but a collection of events which I've used as an excuse as to why I can't move on.
Where to begin? How does one take the first step? I suppose, one begins with acknowledgment of the problem. Then a plan of action is made, then real action to promote real change.
Looking back on the past blogs I started a schedule for myself but it only organized the mundane tasks of the day/week. I forgot to organize my life at the same time. For without a sturdy foundation how does one hope to survive a storm?
There have been many storms in my life and after each one passes the aftermath is never fully repaired. I hold on to the pain as some sort of comfort or maybe even as proof that I'm alive. I've never been one to forget. How do I let go?
Letting go could be the answer for which I've been searching. Does letting go mean forgetting? Perhaps, that's my true fear, forgetting the memories I've created and the dreams I've dreamed.
Everything is always absolute for me, either it's like this or like that and there is no gray. I feel there isn't anyone in my life that I can talk to who would understand or at the very least pretend. I have my friends but I get the feeling they don't understand or don't feel as I feel.
In the end, the answer lies within me not in someone else but it would be nice to have someone along for this adventurous journey of finding the answer.
-Eric
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Smoke & Mirrors
It's been a long time, I know. Well, all is well and even more good times have arrived. For once in a long time I can honestly say that I am happy with where my life has gone. Financially everything is fine. I paid off my small bills and only have my larger payments and continuous bills. Doing great in school and have come to know that scheduling one's self is very important, even for the minor things in life. I've come to rely on this schedule which I set for myself. Something for which I am accountable.
The list? Yes, I still remember the list and I'm well on my way to crossing things off that list. How wonderful it feels to be able to take a pen and cross out something!
Throughout these past months I've done some soul searching for what I want in life. For far too long I've used smoke and mirrors to show the world and myself that I was fine; when I really wasn't. I suppose the more I repeated 'I was fine' I would convince others and myself I was. Like if I wished it and hoped for it, it would come to pass. Sadly, it didn't work out that way. But what did happen and what I found; is that I changed how I interacted with myself and the world around me. And by-golly! Things changed! How crazy is that! (Yes, said with sarcasm. :-P)
A real good friend, Joe, helped me realize that if I allow others and myself to talk down about me, then I would start to believe that I am not 'worth' it. Be it a loving bf to love me and care for me, a friend to really share one's hopes & dreams and fears, a cousin, an uncle, a son, and even a citizen. I'm responsible for my own happiness and shouldn't depend on someone else to make me happy.
It has been a rough ride but I don't regret the trip at all. I've grown and I am happy with the results. And love? Well, that's a story for another time. ;-)
Until then, may you all enjoy the blessing you've been given, another day to change and another chance to do what shoulda been done yesterday.
Take care,
-Eric
The list? Yes, I still remember the list and I'm well on my way to crossing things off that list. How wonderful it feels to be able to take a pen and cross out something!
Throughout these past months I've done some soul searching for what I want in life. For far too long I've used smoke and mirrors to show the world and myself that I was fine; when I really wasn't. I suppose the more I repeated 'I was fine' I would convince others and myself I was. Like if I wished it and hoped for it, it would come to pass. Sadly, it didn't work out that way. But what did happen and what I found; is that I changed how I interacted with myself and the world around me. And by-golly! Things changed! How crazy is that! (Yes, said with sarcasm. :-P)
A real good friend, Joe, helped me realize that if I allow others and myself to talk down about me, then I would start to believe that I am not 'worth' it. Be it a loving bf to love me and care for me, a friend to really share one's hopes & dreams and fears, a cousin, an uncle, a son, and even a citizen. I'm responsible for my own happiness and shouldn't depend on someone else to make me happy.
It has been a rough ride but I don't regret the trip at all. I've grown and I am happy with the results. And love? Well, that's a story for another time. ;-)
Until then, may you all enjoy the blessing you've been given, another day to change and another chance to do what shoulda been done yesterday.
Take care,
-Eric
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