The Blessed Light

Wow, it's been a very long time since I last blogged. It seems somewhat foreign to me now. A lot has happened and yet it still feels the same. Another day dawns and another sets. I breathe in and I exhale. I wonder and wander and end up in the same position. The seconds tick by and the hours accumulate. Days pass and months fly by. This exhausting nothingness of survival has dug deep into the essence of me. I live to simply live. This isn't a life. To be without doing. To live without living. To love and remain loveless.

Things were suppose to be different when I turned 30 and found love again. Is turning a number change enough to be accomplished? Is saying we found love enough to forget the pain and erase the scars? Does aging bring wisdom or do these scars still have lessons yet to be learned?

There is song by Shakira called 'Te Necesito' (I Need You). In this song there is a lyric I never understood until now: "Ya no sé si he vivido diez mil días o un día diez mil veces." (I no longer know if I have lived ten thousand days or one day ten thousand times.) This sunny gray day I have lived for awhile and I wonder when it'll only be sunny? Granted, life isn't all about sunny days but for me it seems the weather forecast remains the same.

Erik, my bf, dedicated a song to me called 'Bendita Tu Luz' (Your Blessed Light). This is one beautifully written song that touched my soul and heart. Everyday I have to hear this song; for when I hear this song, it's like he's here with me. I can't help but smile when I think of him and I'm grateful to have him in my life because he makes it bearable.

But, I don't wanna live a life 'cause of someone, I wanna live a life 'cause of me. This will sound weird coming from me, but there has got to be more to life than love. What do we do when we find it? How do we know we found love?

Maybe life is about finding the answers rather than asking the questions. There are many questions I've asked and received logical responses; yet, there are emotional questions to which logic has no response. I feel there are two people living in one mind. An Optimist and a Pessimist. What I project into the world is the optimistic optimist. Always willing to show the silver lining in any storm. Yet, the pessimist reveals himself in the unknown and unanswered questions. I have no optimism when it comes to myself and the risks we all need to take in life. The pessimistic optimist is what I have become. An oxymoron in the flesh.

Now, who's to say an oxymoron dichotomy can't be harmonious? Perhaps our lives are governed by two forces which balances our center. This center is what I want to find. I thought the center of my essence would be love. Yes, it makes up a substantial portion, yet it feels empty. This emptiness is unsettling. Not knowing what is lacking is scaring me.

I look around me and see people 'living' their lives. Are these people happy in their lives or do they wish for more? Yes, everyone wishes for more wealth and what not, but how many seek the person within? Do they believe in God or gods? Do they wonder what they believe in or are they happy not believing? What do I believe? Have I forgotten the beliefs I have/had?

The days of not worrying about tomorrow are just a nostalgic memory of a youthful past which has long been dimmed. However, I wonder. There is a light inside us which we can light which will burn brighter than our faded past. Love is the flint and faith is the spark and the flame is life.

I found the flint and lack the spark. Perhaps, that's why I feel my soul is dying. The faith that sparks my life has been extinguished with past mistakes and the fear of more mistakes to come. To have faith is to have life and I want to live this life I have been given. I want my life to be a blessed light.

The past is slowly fading but the memories I've shared are still vivid and free but I'm ready to pursue a path. Faith.

I'm ready.

-Eric