Elusivness and Possible Impossibilities

In yesterday's blog I wrote about letting go and moving on and the search for an answer. I didn't feel like chatting with anyone yesterday so I took the day off from the internet to gather my thoughts and feelings.

It's weird how emotional I am. Sometimes I drive myself crazy. All these emotions that live inside me trying to escape and sometimes they escape in unproductive ways. I prided myself in my ability to connect with the inner being, yet I never fully listened.

Last night, I talked with "BB" for more than a hour, almost two. It's amazing how he can make me feel so much better. I could feel all the apprehensions of the unknown slowly melt away while we chatted. Although I clung to my melancholy, BB had me laughing and smiling in no time.

I went to sleep with a smile on my face and in a better mood than I was when I got home. I know that he and I are complete opposites and our paths might not be headed in the same direction but for the time being I'm going to enjoy what we have together.

This got me thinking, perhaps subconsciously I attach myself to relationships that are doomed to fail because I want to play the victim or don't feel I deserve a shot at true happiness. Though it may seem true, I feel that I only look at the dire impossibilities as a reflection upon my life. Aside from distance, all my past relationships have one common thread, we were all opposites.

Maybe the law of opposites only pertains to magnets and not love. With my past relationships I found common ground between us but I found it wasn't enough. The dynamic of our relationship always seemed to be me catering to their needs instead of my own.

BB is a great guy and I could see us enjoying the time we will spend com Fall, but I see the truth now. We both know that this couldn't be anything serious than what it is now, because of his situation with the people around him (He isn't out, I know . . .). But there is a strange pull I feel towards him. However, as the advice I give others, I need to be upfront with him. He needs to know what I am looking for and what I am not.

Our dialogue in our conversations are centered around our first encounter. How he wants to make me happy during our time together. I don't know how to feel when he tells me I make him feel different, that this difference makes him happy.

In my vain attempt at being courageous in the face of heartache and pain, my heart has hardened and that isn't who I am. There has to be a thin line between protecting our hearts and becoming jaded.

Perhaps becoming friends with my recent ex was too soon for me. I know he has a bf already and I am happy for him and wish him the best with his new relationship. But, there is question that lingers in my mind that I am too afraid to ask him because I don't want to know the answer. For if the answer is what I think it is, I know our relationship will not be the same again.

Yesterday, I wanted to confront this possibility but it never came to pass or the answer was too elusive to grasp. I just want to overcome this feeling of utter failure. For whatever reason, my mind keeps circling around my ex. I feel we could have made a clean break but he is friends with some of my friends and it makes it that much harder to let go when the past is always around haunting you. I figure, in my next relationship I should keep my bf's separate from my friends to avoid this dilemma again. Only when I am sure things will work out will I want my friends to meet my bf. However, there are a few select individuals I would want him to meet because I know they have my best interest in mind.

So, to conclude today's blog entry, the slow process of healing is beginning. The acknowledgment phase I wrote of yesterday is over and now a plan is being made. Shortly, I'll be on to action.

Until next time, I hope you all are in good spirits and continue to believe and love yourself.

-Eric