The Ghost

It's April and Spring is officially here! YAY! It feels good not to wear a jacket all the time (only when it's windy I suppose). There is snow still on the mountain and it looks beautiful.

School is coming along and a family friend is helping me to get into a program at NMSU which helps Native American tribes with different things. This certain program helps promote Water Conservation, Surveying, and other important infrastructure training. I would mainly be going for the surveying as it pertains to my job, but all the other topics would be beneficial to my job because we work so closely with other departments within the tribe.

Lately, on the dating/love scene, I've been chatting with this guy from TX. He seems really nice and caring. Makes me laugh which I really like and is so supportive of the things I'd like to do in life. Yet, I'm still afraid to open up to him. Let's face it, I don't have the best track record when it comes to dating and that scares me. I don't want to go through all the pain again, but should I let the possibility of being hurt keep me from finding love?

It's time to finally let my past rest in peace. I'm tired of holding on to the ghost and living among memories and dreams. I've wasted so many years waiting for someone to come along while losing myself along the way. I don't understand how I could have let myself down this much. I've become a stranger in my own house and I feel disconnected from the entire world. It isn't the fault of one person but a collection of events which I've used as an excuse as to why I can't move on.

Where to begin? How does one take the first step? I suppose, one begins with acknowledgment of the problem. Then a plan of action is made, then real action to promote real change.

Looking back on the past blogs I started a schedule for myself but it only organized the mundane tasks of the day/week. I forgot to organize my life at the same time. For without a sturdy foundation how does one hope to survive a storm?

There have been many storms in my life and after each one passes the aftermath is never fully repaired. I hold on to the pain as some sort of comfort or maybe even as proof that I'm alive. I've never been one to forget. How do I let go?

Letting go could be the answer for which I've been searching. Does letting go mean forgetting? Perhaps, that's my true fear, forgetting the memories I've created and the dreams I've dreamed.

Everything is always absolute for me, either it's like this or like that and there is no gray. I feel there isn't anyone in my life that I can talk to who would understand or at the very least pretend. I have my friends but I get the feeling they don't understand or don't feel as I feel.

In the end, the answer lies within me not in someone else but it would be nice to have someone along for this adventurous journey of finding the answer.

-Eric