Make a List and Check it Twice

There is so much for me to do these past few months yet I find myself uninterested in doing what needs to be done. I feel this cloud in my head and it becomes thicker and thicker. I know what needs to be done but the effort isn't there. It's as if I'm on cruise control, auto pilot. So many times I've wanted to get out of this rut as I've called it, but it's easier said than done. I HATE THAT CLICHE! I hate it but it's so true.

I'm almost done with college but I feel myself burning out. Why is it that I get so excited for school to start but then when it arrives, the excitement withers away and I'm left with discouragement. I don't understand why my life is like this, why I allowed myself to come this far.

My finances are back on track and I thought when that happened things would automatically fall back into place. Man was I wrong. I guess it's up to me to change what is to what CAN be.

I've read that starting a list and marking them off helps. I figure that it couldn't hurt. So here is a small list:

1. Finish college by the time I'm 30 years old.
2. Pay off old debt.
3. Find my own place.
4. Make new friends.
5. Learn to speak Spanish fluently.
6. Post an Anthology of my poems.
7. Run a mile.
8. Read a non-school book a month.
9. Spend at least one straight weekend with my whole family.
10. Learn how to make a new dish.

For now, I think this small list is sufficient enough. I'll add to it, mark items off as I finish each, and rearrange items.

One thing I failed to put on this list is become more spiritual. I don't believe that is something one can cross off a list. Perhaps this is the thread that ties my whole life together. I was brought up in a Christian home and I loved how it felt when we all went to church as a family. Seeing my whole family there, my aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandparents. Times have changed and I've allowed myself to become too 'busy' for church, too concerned about partying, too concerned for finding love. All this searching and I've yet to yield any results. Perhaps that in itself is the answer. Time to change my strategy.

In the past I allowed the search for love to consume my soul and my mind. Although finding love is important, it isn't what life is about. What do we do when we find said love? Does life end there? Am I meant for love? I know it's out there. Waiting. I've said I'm ready, time and time again, but I think I was just trying to convince myself I was. If I were truly ready I wouldn't be blogging about it, I'd be doing something to find it.

So, no time like the present to start on that list.