It isn't in my nature to hold grudges at someone for whatever offenses they may have caused me. I believe in forgiveness and second chances. I would want to be forgiven if I offended or upset someone and I feel I should forgive too.
Yet, when does forgiveness reach its limit? Does it have a limit? Should we allow someone to continually hurt us? Either, emotionally, physically or financially. When is enough, really enough?
As much as I would love to have people be in my life, it's clear, perhaps, there are some who shouldn't be apart of it, no matter how much I care for them. Things haven't changed and I don't see them changing in the future.
So far, I have done good, getting rid of all the negative emotions in my life and accepting what I repressed. As hard as it was to admit it all, I felt so at easy and calm. After finally admitting my feelings, I feel as if the chains that held me down, were suddenly broken and things around me seemed to fall into place.
Now, after tonight, I think I've reached my limit with someone. As much as I care for this person, they weren't meant to be apart of my life and as much as I tried to keep the peace, he isn't interested in peace. He's more concerned about the past and the best way to make me jealous. That isn't the kind of relationship I want in my life nor do I deserve it. I've accepted who I am and who I am not.
The arguments have surpassed the memorable times.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. I've been fooled too many times and I've always ended up the fool. It's time to make my life what I want it to be and fill it with positive, optimistic, mature individuals.
As easy as it would be to hate him, I can't. I wish him nothing but the best and believe our paths are better separated here. While we don't hate each other. Hate is an ugly emotion to have inside and I don't want to have that awfulness inside me.
In all our lives, it's up to us to put our lives in the direction we know is best. Life isn't easy and we make it what it is and I choose to be happy and full of love. True love.
-Eric
Monday, September 19, 2011
Sunday, September 11, 2011
Love.Hope.Faith.
Ten years later and the world has not been the same. It's true that everything changes and our world is no exception, but the political, religious and regional changes have spun this world close to the edge of oblivion. We often forget how close to the edge we've all come as a species but we've come to the understanding that united as a people, a people of this planet, we can overcome the greatest obstacles. On this 10th anniversary of 9/11, I'd like to talk about hope.
Through hope for a better future for us all, not only Americans but the entire world. Hope that we can look pass our political, religious and cultural differences. It amazes me how much we divide ourselves from one another but what we fall to forget is that the majority of religions know that without unity, we'll never survive. Still, there are many who believe in no religion and they're not wrong. As a Christian we were taught to minister to those "godless" heathens. But through all the good Christianity and the other religions of the world have brought humanity, there's also the negative. The pain, the despair, the sadness, the heartache and death.
Yet, there is hope. I find this hope through my faith in a higher power. I call this power, God. He has many names and answers many prayers. He lives in us all. Many of us know him as consciousness or as a voice. This consciousness/voice is the power that propels us forward. It motivates us to strive for better lives for ourselves and our loved ones. Whatever name we chose to call this consciousness, we're never alone.
There was a different blog I had in mind to write, but I'll allow this voice to write what needs to be born on "paper." I have faith that we all will see better days than the ones we've seen pass us by. The loss we've all experienced these past 10 years. The people who have passed on, relationships that have ended, and the loss of our finances. These things are enough to test anyone's faith, to question the beliefs we've been taught to believe. We were told life wouldn't be fair or easy but what we can do is chose to have the faith that things will get better.
However much we wish for this world to be tailored to our ideals, we mustn't forget the other people who share the same planet as we do. Their ideals matter. We all matter. We're all human. We have defects, we have our sins, but we also have solutions and salvation.
It's scary to have faith. We can't see faith. We can't point to an object and say "Behold! This is faith." We feel faith, hope and love. I have faith that hope will lead us to love.
Love is hope wrapped in faith.
The loss of my dear friend has made me question my own mortality. The time I've wasted on waiting to live. Waiting for something to happen. Something did happen. Life passed me by. Although I may feel like I've wasted this time, I don't regret anything. Sure, I may be sorry for what I've done or said, but I've learned from it all. Good and bad.
Life isn't always about love or death. Right or wrong. It's about the moments we have shared with our fellow human beings.
I wanted to share a video with you all but instead of that particular video, these thoughts I've had are better. For this time. Whoever is reading this please don't take offense to my mention of God. I just want to share with you all the love I have inside and I do believe God is love. And therefore, if God is love, He is also hope and faith.
In our times of despair and heartache it's easy to feel God has left us. That He doesn't exist. I'm here to tell you, He does. This love I have for humanity is proof that he exists. The love you have for your boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, wife, partner, parents and loved ones is the proof He is apart of us, living in us, through us. Share your love with someone. Make a difference in your life and someone else's life.
I'll leave you all with a prayer that you find some peace in whatever chaos you may find yourself in or even in your most happiest moments. I pray you never lose your faith in love nor the hope that dwells in us all. Be good to yourself and to others. Make your life a life and not a death. Love yourself.
-Eric
Through hope for a better future for us all, not only Americans but the entire world. Hope that we can look pass our political, religious and cultural differences. It amazes me how much we divide ourselves from one another but what we fall to forget is that the majority of religions know that without unity, we'll never survive. Still, there are many who believe in no religion and they're not wrong. As a Christian we were taught to minister to those "godless" heathens. But through all the good Christianity and the other religions of the world have brought humanity, there's also the negative. The pain, the despair, the sadness, the heartache and death.
Yet, there is hope. I find this hope through my faith in a higher power. I call this power, God. He has many names and answers many prayers. He lives in us all. Many of us know him as consciousness or as a voice. This consciousness/voice is the power that propels us forward. It motivates us to strive for better lives for ourselves and our loved ones. Whatever name we chose to call this consciousness, we're never alone.
There was a different blog I had in mind to write, but I'll allow this voice to write what needs to be born on "paper." I have faith that we all will see better days than the ones we've seen pass us by. The loss we've all experienced these past 10 years. The people who have passed on, relationships that have ended, and the loss of our finances. These things are enough to test anyone's faith, to question the beliefs we've been taught to believe. We were told life wouldn't be fair or easy but what we can do is chose to have the faith that things will get better.
However much we wish for this world to be tailored to our ideals, we mustn't forget the other people who share the same planet as we do. Their ideals matter. We all matter. We're all human. We have defects, we have our sins, but we also have solutions and salvation.
It's scary to have faith. We can't see faith. We can't point to an object and say "Behold! This is faith." We feel faith, hope and love. I have faith that hope will lead us to love.
Love is hope wrapped in faith.
The loss of my dear friend has made me question my own mortality. The time I've wasted on waiting to live. Waiting for something to happen. Something did happen. Life passed me by. Although I may feel like I've wasted this time, I don't regret anything. Sure, I may be sorry for what I've done or said, but I've learned from it all. Good and bad.
Life isn't always about love or death. Right or wrong. It's about the moments we have shared with our fellow human beings.
I wanted to share a video with you all but instead of that particular video, these thoughts I've had are better. For this time. Whoever is reading this please don't take offense to my mention of God. I just want to share with you all the love I have inside and I do believe God is love. And therefore, if God is love, He is also hope and faith.
In our times of despair and heartache it's easy to feel God has left us. That He doesn't exist. I'm here to tell you, He does. This love I have for humanity is proof that he exists. The love you have for your boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, wife, partner, parents and loved ones is the proof He is apart of us, living in us, through us. Share your love with someone. Make a difference in your life and someone else's life.
I'll leave you all with a prayer that you find some peace in whatever chaos you may find yourself in or even in your most happiest moments. I pray you never lose your faith in love nor the hope that dwells in us all. Be good to yourself and to others. Make your life a life and not a death. Love yourself.
-Eric
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
New Opportunities in the Daily Grind
I am having a great day today! I feel so productive! We had a meeting this morning at work and it seems as though we are finally getting through to them how important our department really is and how integral we are to the infrastructure of our community. Self-empowerment through work as built up a confidence in myself that I haven't had in quite awhile.
I have been working at my current position for 10 years now. This has been the longest job I've had thus far. It's true that things on the "Rez" move slower than the outside world but things do get done. Hopefully with the investment in our technology and education, we'll be able to be more productive and efficient. I enjoy what I do and hopefully soon, I'll be able to expand on the duties which I currently hold. We don't necessarily have to look outward for new opportunities, sometimes all we have to do is open our eyes and see what we're already blessed with.
After writing in my blog the other day and finally admitting what I did, I feel so much lighter (emotionally). My mind seems to be clearer and I don't feel so walled in by the gray pessimistic emotions I've been harboring all this time. In the end, we're only lying to ourselves and that's one of the worse things we can do in our lives. We already know the truth yet we try to disguise it as best we can to make ourselves feel good, but in the end, the truth always wins out.
There is no shame in saying I was wrong for doing what I've done. I've learned that. I've learned a lot about myself through my failures. It's only normal as humans to make mistakes but the trick is to learn from these mistakes and not make them again.
Well, I must get back to my duties here at work. I felt the need to write and so, I had to come here to get it out. :-D
I hope you all have a fantastic week!
-Eric.
I have been working at my current position for 10 years now. This has been the longest job I've had thus far. It's true that things on the "Rez" move slower than the outside world but things do get done. Hopefully with the investment in our technology and education, we'll be able to be more productive and efficient. I enjoy what I do and hopefully soon, I'll be able to expand on the duties which I currently hold. We don't necessarily have to look outward for new opportunities, sometimes all we have to do is open our eyes and see what we're already blessed with.
After writing in my blog the other day and finally admitting what I did, I feel so much lighter (emotionally). My mind seems to be clearer and I don't feel so walled in by the gray pessimistic emotions I've been harboring all this time. In the end, we're only lying to ourselves and that's one of the worse things we can do in our lives. We already know the truth yet we try to disguise it as best we can to make ourselves feel good, but in the end, the truth always wins out.
There is no shame in saying I was wrong for doing what I've done. I've learned that. I've learned a lot about myself through my failures. It's only normal as humans to make mistakes but the trick is to learn from these mistakes and not make them again.
Well, I must get back to my duties here at work. I felt the need to write and so, I had to come here to get it out. :-D
I hope you all have a fantastic week!
-Eric.
Saturday, September 3, 2011
Truth Be Lied.
Today was a beautiful day. I enjoyed every moment of today. Happiness is such a wonderful feeling and especially when one does not have to pretend. Throughout my pass blogs it has been nothing about how hurt I am, how I long to find a love, how everything seems to always go wrong. Pretty much, a woe is me type of blog. I talk of a turning a new leaf and yet I still carry on the same habits expecting different results; as they say the definition of insanity.
But if all those things have been a major factor in this life, how or where do I start? It is not so easy and I never expected it to be. However, what I did not expect is my mind returning to what has already been missing. I don't know how to turn that part of my brain off. I hate being a prisoner of my thoughts and a captive of the past. What more must I accept in order to move on? I don't understand why these feelings persist when I've gone out of my way to quash what remains. Will this yearning ever be extinguished?
Perhaps, if I write down these feelings I've been repressing, it will help to cast off these chains and bring down the wall that clouds my mind.
Yes, I still cannot get over my ex. It's obvious those memories will never fade but I need to move on. All these songs bring me back to him. There has not been a day that has passed where my thoughts settled on him. I think of all the wonderful memories we made and I also think of the missed opportunities I allowed to slip away. There was so much we could have done while together, so much that could have been said. I feel as though these regrets I hold onto are my own form of self-punishment. He deserved so much more than what I offered. I don't understand why these feelings of guilt have consumed me. Do I love him still, without a doubt. I never stopped and never will. I can honestly state that he was my first true love. Otherwise, why would I continue on the way I do?
I was wrong to try and erase him from my life, but I didn't know any other way of letting go of all this heartache and emptiness his absence has left. But, what's done is done. I accept it. I learn it. I want to have a life. I'm ready to live.
Failure seems like second nature to me. I've failed in many aspects of life. They've all made their wounds and I have these scares as proof, but why do I still pick at them? I don't understand my desire to feel this unhappiness I've embraced so freely. I think back to my days in high school. I longed to be away from home, to starting out on my own. There were so many possibilities that laid ahead of me. Naive and blinded by my philosophy of love, I stepped out and was chewed up and spit out by the realities of the world. Things weren't as they seemed on TV or movies.
Even now, I feel like the end is near. As if this life is slowing down, the spinning of this earth has slowed. I feel all eyes on me. Waiting. They wait.
Where am I to go? Who am I to be? What am I to do?
Are these existential questions posed to me or the general cosmos?
Right now, I have no answers for this questions only more questions.
On and on, my restless mind fumbles with the light of the darkness. Truth be lied, I want to know nothing of no one. I want to slip away slowly into the abyss of nothingness.
Truth be lied, I need to return to the days of my innocence or at the very least, what may be left. Perhaps, therein lies the beginning. A simple existential question we all faced while growing up. "What do I want to be when I grow up?"
Right now, the only answer I have is: I want to be alive.
So, September, I welcome you and the next 30 days. May you give me the knowledge and understanding of what the future holds and the empowerment to take on this life and finally live it how it's meant to be lived.
Live long and prosper everyone. XOXO's.
-Eric.
But if all those things have been a major factor in this life, how or where do I start? It is not so easy and I never expected it to be. However, what I did not expect is my mind returning to what has already been missing. I don't know how to turn that part of my brain off. I hate being a prisoner of my thoughts and a captive of the past. What more must I accept in order to move on? I don't understand why these feelings persist when I've gone out of my way to quash what remains. Will this yearning ever be extinguished?
Perhaps, if I write down these feelings I've been repressing, it will help to cast off these chains and bring down the wall that clouds my mind.
Yes, I still cannot get over my ex. It's obvious those memories will never fade but I need to move on. All these songs bring me back to him. There has not been a day that has passed where my thoughts settled on him. I think of all the wonderful memories we made and I also think of the missed opportunities I allowed to slip away. There was so much we could have done while together, so much that could have been said. I feel as though these regrets I hold onto are my own form of self-punishment. He deserved so much more than what I offered. I don't understand why these feelings of guilt have consumed me. Do I love him still, without a doubt. I never stopped and never will. I can honestly state that he was my first true love. Otherwise, why would I continue on the way I do?
I was wrong to try and erase him from my life, but I didn't know any other way of letting go of all this heartache and emptiness his absence has left. But, what's done is done. I accept it. I learn it. I want to have a life. I'm ready to live.
Failure seems like second nature to me. I've failed in many aspects of life. They've all made their wounds and I have these scares as proof, but why do I still pick at them? I don't understand my desire to feel this unhappiness I've embraced so freely. I think back to my days in high school. I longed to be away from home, to starting out on my own. There were so many possibilities that laid ahead of me. Naive and blinded by my philosophy of love, I stepped out and was chewed up and spit out by the realities of the world. Things weren't as they seemed on TV or movies.
Even now, I feel like the end is near. As if this life is slowing down, the spinning of this earth has slowed. I feel all eyes on me. Waiting. They wait.
Where am I to go? Who am I to be? What am I to do?
Are these existential questions posed to me or the general cosmos?
Right now, I have no answers for this questions only more questions.
On and on, my restless mind fumbles with the light of the darkness. Truth be lied, I want to know nothing of no one. I want to slip away slowly into the abyss of nothingness.
Truth be lied, I need to return to the days of my innocence or at the very least, what may be left. Perhaps, therein lies the beginning. A simple existential question we all faced while growing up. "What do I want to be when I grow up?"
Right now, the only answer I have is: I want to be alive.
So, September, I welcome you and the next 30 days. May you give me the knowledge and understanding of what the future holds and the empowerment to take on this life and finally live it how it's meant to be lived.
Live long and prosper everyone. XOXO's.
-Eric.
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