What an unexpected month this has been. To the terrible heartbreaking loss of my dear best friend to an all out argument with an ex. This hasn't been the very best month for me. Although, through the majority of it, I feel as though I've been asleep. Just slowly gliding through these past few weeks.
I haven't completely gotten over my friend's death and I find myself so wrapped up in sadness and guilt. Sadness that he's no longer here with me to laugh and share stories of the day. Guilt because he won't be able to be with his family, experience the momentous occasions in his family's lives. To the graduation of his nieces and nephews to him finding someone special and feeling loved.
I'm afraid that his memory will fade and I'm desperate to remember every single memory we had and I know it's impossible, but I feel like if I don't, he'll be gone forever. Absurd, I know, but I can't get my mind off this idea and feeling. My heart feels like it's slowly healing but there's an emptiness and sadness that still lingers.
Perhaps, as the saying goes, time will heal these wounds. I just hope it doesn't erase the precious memories we've shared.
The argument my ex and I had wasn't anything I had expected to happen. All of a sudden he's saying all kinds of hurtful, mean, cruel things and I end up losing it and saying bad things to him too. I'm not a vengeful person and after I said what I did, I immediately felt so ashamed. Throughout the evening I felt so horrible and a heaviness on my heart and I felt like my soul was a dark cloudy mass. It was as if I could feel darkness literally swimming inside me.
After I got back home from the movie my friend and I watched, I sat in my dark room and I was about to text him and he called. He wanted to say he was sorry for the things he said but the apology seemed more like an excuse. As if he were trying to prove to me why I deserved what he said. It made no sense.
Finally, I just told him that it was better if we no longer chat, text or talk on the phone. He hasn't fully matured into the kind of man I want as a partner in my life. We really don't have anything in common, aside from our attraction for one another, and how long can one deign a relationship on attraction alone?
Through all the sadness and turmoil of this past month, I cried. I cried so hard like I haven't cried before. I felt the heaviness and darkness slowly release from my soul. As the tears fell, my mind became clearer and clearer.
It's time for a TRUE change.
But . . . how do I begin this change? I thought it should start with my online life. I put so much effort to my cyber-reality that I've started to mistake it for actual-reality. Not good. I made two new email accounts and only told those who've had a positive influence on my life the emails.
It felt so good to erase all that old baggage. Next, it was on to profiles on sites that only had me thinking badly about myself. My desperate attempt to find a completion to me. How wrong was I. I know that someone shouldn't complete me, I must complete me. I can share my life but not let someone BE my life. How simple and hard.
After all these years of believing that once I found someone, it'll all fall into place naturally. Boy, was I wrong. The pieces didn't fit. It was like looking at a finished recipe but not knowing what ingredients to add. Sorry for the cliche, but it was like wanting my cake and eating it too.
How childishly naive I was/am. I see the finished product, but now it's time to read the directions. If only there were a Customer Care number I could call instead. :-P
Anyway, I feel the choices I made are a step in the right direction. Baby steps, one must crawl before we run.
So, in the spirit of that, I am ready and scared to take on what's ahead of me. We all fear the unknown, but in order to LIVE we must press on and LIVE. No more waiting and expecting things . . . Time to make it happen!
In the words of Tim Gunn: "Make it Work!"
-Eric
