Don't Know What You Got 'Till It's Gone

Throughout my blogs I've inquired about my relationship with my bf. On July 15th the answer for which I've been searching came to light. A heartfelt letter/email was written to him in which I stated how distant and empty we've become with one another. Also, I mentioned how things haven't been so well for me as of late. The letter I wrote wasn't an ultimatum but a way of getting him to talk to me. However, the feelings and dreams I've had were substantiated when he told me he would like to end our relationship.

Truth be told, I was devastated. For the first time in my life I actually felt my heart breaking. What was worse is that I couldn't show it at the time. I had read the response through my phone and I was watching a movie with my family. My only reaction was silence. My fixation wasn't on the TV nor the conversations going on about me but it was on what was no longer there. That was when true emptiness and loneliness captivated my heart.

Such an immense pain a break-up can bring, even one that seemed to be over even before it began. Don't get me wrong, I loved him, even more than anyone I've loved in my life (excluding family and friends.) He meant so much to me and showed me so much of the world and especially myself. He made me proud to be Mescalero Apache and to accept my body.

There hasn't been a day that has gone by that I haven't thought about him. The things I think and wonder are things that may seem self-destructive but it would be nice to know the answers. For example, is he hurting? Am I that easy to get over? Has he been looking for someone else while we were together? Who else will he sing to? Who gets to hear his Spanish English accent? Who gets to listen to him speak so passionately about his collectibles? and did he cry as much as I have? Does he still?

In both of our response to the other we both agreed that this wasn't our time. There are things in both our lives that need to be fixed before we could ever start to have a real relationship. I understand this and know that the road to correcting these will be hard but I am more than willing to reconstruct my life.

In the end, I am left with the hope that if we were destined to be together then in the future we will find each other again. That my friends, is the hope that I carry with me. I won't be waiting for him, I'll be living my life and I know he will be living his. Eventually our lives will fit together and not be come entangled, but become like two flowing fluid rivers coming together in the sea.



"Loving is so short, forgetting is so long." - Pablo Neruda

Lone Wolf

Here is a poem I wrote a few weeks ago. Let me know what you think.

Lone Wolf

When I dream of you,
All I see is white.
The skies are still blue,
And darkest at night.

The memories I buried,
Are turning to dust.
My burdens you carried,
Return with the dusk.

Once you set my heart on fire,
Now it’s a dwindling flame.
You filled my life with desire,
Now everything’s the same.

How can I say something that’s old,
And turn it into something new?
I wanted you to love me without being told,
Maybe you wanted the same too.

What was holding me to you was fear,
Of repeating all of my hurt and my pain.
Once I even thought you were my cure,
From all the loneliness and all my shame.

With the closeness of your absence,
I’m finally at ease.
Tonight I’ll have to dwell in silence,
But I will be free.

Though the tears of tomorrow,
Will drown me in sorrow.
In love I’ll continue to believe,
And hope’s light I still see.

I’m finally ready to let you go,
But first I want you to know.
I’ll remember that day in September,
When we finally found each other.

Good-bye my lone wolf,
Chase after your moon.
And very very soon,
You’ll have your proof.

Love does conquer all.