Kaleidoscope Life

Well, here I sit, listening to Día de Enero by Shakira, and love seems possible. Today was a good day, it was a little cold but the sun was out and the winds weren't as gusty as they were last week. Over all, I had a good day. Work was enjoyable and I actually got a little work done.

As I look over the past blogs I have posted, there is an underlying theme running through them all, the search for love. Yes, it seems I keep talking about love, but there is a quote, the name of who said it escapes me, that says "Write about what you know." I find myself wondering, is the opposite true? Can we write about things we don't know? Perhaps, writing about something we wish we understood could help us clarify what we really desire to know.

In a couple of blogs I rambled on and on about what I thought love was/is/will be, but as I come into April 1st, 2009, I still find myself without a definite answer. Though through all my experiences and stories from friends, I know love is never the same. Take for instance my friend 'C', she has been in relationship for well over 10 years. Her struggles seem to be repeating the same cycle. In contrast, there are my parents, they've gone through a lot of ups and downs, but despite all the negative and all the pain they caused one another, their love for one another is still strong. I've often sat and tried to dissect their relationship, figure out what held them together. Aside from my siblings and I, there was something more holding them together. They seem to be like best friends, always laughing about a stupid mistake, a sentence that was misspoken or just walking into the kitchen and just looking at each other and there's a smile there, a genuine smile.

Through all of my own relationships I have yet to experience this type of affection. My relationships start out strong and further down the road it seems as though we've run out of gas. Perhaps the common denominator in all of my relationships is the loneliness and the attempt to fill that void. Unfair as it sounds, I look to my partners to fill this void when I should be more concerned about the void itself.

What is this void in my life? I could speculate but I know deep down what this void is. I've tried my entire life to fill this void with relationships that I knew wouldn't work, perhaps in an attempt to prove myself right that I was destined to be alone. Yet, my masochist ways seem to be getting me no where and the perpetual cycle continues.

Yet, I keep telling myself that I see the light at the end of this long dark tunnel. Maybe a way to sooth the hurt I've inflected upon myself. I've no one to blame but myself. I gave into the lie and hurt people in the process, but more importantly, myself. I haven't allowed myself to grow.

The regrets I have are not showing my partners the real Eric. The Eric they seen and known was one which I thought they wanted to see. To please them, to give them a reason to be with me. The ends never justify the means.

In the kaleidoscope that is my life, the colors of jealousy, loneliness, passion, and love are all bleeding together into one gigantic emotion that is too big for one person to endure, yet alone explain. There is never an easy solution to get one's life back on track, yet the light at the end of this tunnel, is still burning. It may be dim and flickers from all my faults and failures, but the love that my parents have shown still keeps the flame burning bright.

This is my path I need to make, brick by brick, and I know that wherever this path may lead, I will never give up on love. Call me a masochist, call me a fool, but I still know love is out there. It may not be in the form we thought, but it's there.

"But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous." Carrie Bradshaw

How to get out of your Relationship Ruts

Here is an article I came across and I thought it had some pretty good insights to what ails a lot of relationships.

http://shine.yahoo.com/channel/sex/break-out-of-your-relationship-ruts-426743

Hopefully, you all will find it useful.